When Your Kids Act Out – Know Your Goal!
“What do I do when my 8 year old has these loud, out-of-control meltdowns? She says terrible things to us and sometimes she even gets so irrational she screams that she wants to kill herself! It seems no matter what I do – it just escalates her!”
We frequently hear questions like this. Instead of simply answering it, it helps to start with a simple question for parents: What’s your goal in how you respond?
Most parents will say, “To get the behavior to stop.” This goal usually leads parents to put big (usually angry) energy into trying to get children to stop – as soon as possible. Having had that goal many times in our own parenting, we can say with assurance – it’s not a very helpful goal! It predictably escalates the situation because it makes an out of control child feel even more out of control as the parent attempts to dominate their behavior. Â (How well do we settle down when someone is angrily trying to control us?!) So parents say things like, “It’s not OK to talk that way!” or, “Of course you don’t want to kill yourself!” or, “Calm down and we’ll talk when you can settle down”.
We’ve found it helpful for parents to consider a different goal – empowering the child to want to stop. There could be a variety of ways to work toward that goal, but one that we’ll consider today is to help your child grow in her ability to articulate what is really bothering her.
Remember, your child is still rather primitive in her ability to understand her own emotions and behavior – especially when she is upset. When we can help our children to begin to discover and verbalize what is going on under the surface of the out of control behavior they can begin to control themselves!
So, instead of saying to her with big energy, “Stop this!” – get down on her level. In a controlled, but emphatic way you can use simple statements to “give voice” to her strong feelings – “Wow! You’re really MAD!” “I can tell you’re very upset!” “This is really hard for you!” If you know what she’s upset about, you can even make that part of the reflection, e.g. “You really want to call your friend right now! You’re really mad! We can talk about that in a little bit.” The younger the child, the simpler the language. Teens will need a thoughtful response with sincere empathy or they feel manipulated.
Whether your child is a toddler or a teen, this approach can decrease the frequency of outbursts for several reasons:Â Children and parents both begin learning to calm their raging “right brain responses” with left brain skills of language and logic. Parents communicate they are for the child, instead of against her. This tends to take the “wind” out of the child’s “sails” of defiance. Parents stay more in control of themselves, and are less likely to just give in to (and therefore reward) the child’s demands as the conflict escalates; and the child is more likely to accept the boundaries set by the parent when they feel understood.
