When Praising Is A Bad Idea
The Why, What, and How of Effectively Praising our Children — Part 1 of 3
As I bagged ears of corn at the grocery store last fall, a woman was asking her reluctant daughter to compute the cost per dozen in her head. The mom announced excitedly for several of us to hear, “She was just accepted into the gifted program!” I felt uncomfortable – not wanting to give parenting advice to a stranger, but knowing that the way the woman had praised her daughter would increase anxiety, not academic performance. Researchers have discovered that certain kinds of praise are quite a hindrance to children, while other kinds of praise are highly effective. Parents need help navigating this confusion!
This article is the first of a three part series on praise: “The Why, What, and How of Effectively Praising our Children,” which will include Biblical examples of praise/affirmation and the latest research on children and praise.
When we feel compelled to praise our kids, it can be quite helpful to first ask ourselves why we’re doing the praising. If we’re honest, we may be surprised with the answer. Dr. Roy Baumeister, a leading researcher in the area of self-esteem, concludes that parents’ praise is often linked to their own pride in their children’s achievements. “When they praise their kids, it’s not that far from praising themselves.” It’s easy to praise children when they are smart, talented, and successful – we all sometimes fall into the trap of using our children’s performance as our “report card” in life. Our mood and our praise often rise and fall with their success. When this is the case, our praise of our children is really subtly about us and how they make us feel. Jenny brings home a stellar report card or John fires off a 3-pointer on the basketball court and we beam with pride and shower them with praise. This kind of praise pressures our children with the responsibility to keep us feeling proud with their good performance.
If, however, we understand that our value is based on God’s love for us and not on anyone’s performance, it is easier to help them understand this as well. Jesus modeled this when his “children” (the disciples) returned from their first ministry venture away from him. He had given them gifts of healing and authority over demons, which they used to bless many people. They returned elated! Jesus shared their joy but strongly told them to revel in what was most important – the security of the love of their Father. “Do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven.” (Luke 10:20). In other words, “Don’t get your sense of value from what you have done, get it from God’s love for you!”
Aware of our own tendency for getting value from our children’s performance, we tried to affirm Jackson kid success with an approach that included checking our own attitudes about it and occasionally giving a light-hearted reminder that their success didn’t earn our love. (i.e. Wow, nice work on those grades! But.. does it make you love me more?)
Fortunately our inconsistent and sometimes clumsy attempts to affirm our children in this way paid off – recently I (Lynne) was anxiously reading a letter to determine which level of an academic honor one of our children had received. He smiled and wryly commented, “Mom, relax. Pretty sure it’s not going to make me any more valuable!”
So before we praise our children, it’s good to do a check -
• Is my praise actually about me and how good I feel about my child’s success and my great parenting of this exceptional kid!?
• How can I encourage my child while maintaining the perspective that we are valuable only because God loves us?
In this way we can free our children to succeed as an expression of who they already are, not because they are afraid to disappoint us.
Next week: Find out what kind of praise increases academic performance!
