Is It OK To Yell At My Child?
Sometimes the way we use our voices is more important than what we say. So if you are going to choose to use a loud or passionate voice with your child, give some consideration not just to your words, but to how you communicate. It certainly can be effective to raise our voices – for the right reasons. But our experience is that most of the time a raised voice does not effectively teach our children the things we’re hoping they’ll learn.
Imagine this scenario (adapted from a real dad’s experience). Your child Sam has just scared and hurt his little brother Jaden. You’ve decided to raise your voice and say, “Sam, It is not OK to hurt or scare your brother like that.”
Now watch the following ten second YouTube videos depicting three different ways to say these words, using a raised voice. Pause after each and consider what was in the parent’s heart, and message a child might receive based on how the mouth spoke (ref Mt 12:34).
Scene 1:
We see parents raise their voices this way frequently. We’ve done it ourselves. The main message kids perceive is, “Dad (or mom) is against me.” Reflecting on our own struggles as parents helps us to know that what was in our hearts when we have spoken this way was anger, fear, resentment, or shame (“I must be a bad parent if my kids act this way”) Is it any wonder then that when I have spoken this way, my children have felt fear, anger, anxiety, or shame? What they learn when we yell this way is that mommy or daddy is scary, or that they (the children) are bad.
Scene 2:
We this a lot too. Parents are annoyed, but not enough to be thoughtful about what’s going on and how they might really help their children. The main message in it is, “Dad (or mom) doesn’t care about me.” What children learn when parents respond this way is that their behavior is no big deal and perhaps even that their parents don’t really care that much about them. Not very effective if we’re hoping they’ll learn right from wrong and want to do right.
Scene 3:
Did you notice the quick breath and along with it some quick thought about how to address the issue. Then, the slow approach, engaged, concerned, but getting down to “Sam’s” level, positioning to be alongside him rather than towering over him. The loudness was still there, but in a very different way. From Sam’s level, with intense but loving eye contact, my goal was to demonstrate the seriousness of my concern, in a way that felt safe. When kids feel safe, even if I raise my voice, they stay open to learning the important lessons I want to teach. Even then, this can only be effective if I have demonstrated my love in many proactive ways with my son. When parents respond this way, the message is, “I am very concerned about your behavior, but I am with you in your struggle.”
Same words, three vastly different messages. Keeping in mind that experts say that 90% of communication is non-verbal, we encourage parents to start paying more attention to what’s on your heart when you decide to raise your voice, and what is really being communicated to your children.
Here’s the real life story that inspired this email:
Not a very reactionary person, Kyle and was normally a fairly easy going dad, and was typically very calm when disciplining his two boys. One day his four-year-old Sam, got in an argument with his two year old brother Jaden, and pushed him into the closet and held the door shut, which terrified the little guy. Kyle heard the scream and came running. After freeing his youngest from the closet and comforting his terror, he turned to address Sam. He knew that his son needed something other than his usual calm response in order to see the seriousness of this behavior and how hurtful it was to his brother. Still holding Jaden, he knelt down beside Sam, raised his voice and passionately said, “It is NEVER okay to hurt or scare your brother like this. You are bigger and stronger than Jaden. God gives oldest children the job of using their strength to PROTECT their little brothers and sisters. Just as it is my job to take care of Mommy and you boys, it is your job to protect your brother, not to hurt or scare him!” Sam was not used to seeing his father so intense and it greatly affected him. He began to sob in repentance. Although of course this did not end all sibling squabbles, it seemed to change the way Sam viewed his brother.
If you’re going to raise your voice, this is an effective way to do it. If you can’t be this thoughtful about how to raise your voice, then we recommend keeping your voice calm.
Please let us know if you have questions or comments.
Save The Date!
On April 26th at Westwood Community Church in Chanhassen we are presenting our most popular seminar: “Discipline That Connectsâ„¢.” Bring your wives, your husbands, heck, even bring your mother-in-law! These principles for discipline are heralded by many pastors and church staff as the most profound and practical principles for parenting that they have seen. Watch for registration info in emails beginning in April.
