Are We Raising Animals?
Are We Raising Animals?
I literally looked across the table and asked my wife this?
We had been eating our dinner of Grilled Peanut Butter and Banana sandwiches – a favorite in our home. At one point I looked over at my son and frustration rolled over me. Instead of taking bites of the sandwich, he was literally bent over the table stuffing the sandwich into his mouth at top speed– to the point where he looked like he had a tennis ball stuffed in his right cheek. It wasn’t the first time we’d seen this.
In my very best parenting (sarcasm added) I raised my voice, increased my physical posturing and loudly said, “Are you kidding me? How many times have we told you that you don’t stuff food into your mouth? We are not animals in this house and we won’t be eating like them. Do you understand me!!!
He quietly complied.
A few minutes later he excused himself to use the restroom. I looked at my wife. “What are we raising, animals? Unbelievable.” I was still ticked. After being gone a few minutes he came back, sat down and began to eat again.
“Did you wash your hands?” I asked. The look on his face told me he hadn’t. A new wave of frustration was building.
He left to go and wash his hands and I followed him. This doesn’t sound good.
But in the moments between leaving the table and getting to the bathroom where he was finishing, I somehow (God’s grace) recognized that I needed to calm down. This is that foundational work that we at CF believe is so important when dealing with discipline situations. I took a deep breath and thought quickly about what I wanted to do: continue yelling at him or try to turn this into an opportunity for connection and growth.
He came out of the bathroom, saw me waiting there for him and the look on his face said, “Uh oh.”
But I dialed down my voice, my tone and my posture. My overall countenance softened and began, I believe, to reflect my love for him. And when I was calm I was able to think, “I love this boy.” That helped me.
Directly but calmly I said, “Son, your mom and I get after you for this not simply because we want you to have good manners but because some day you will be out with your friends or at a girlfriend’s house having dinner with someone else’s family. My concern is that, if you eat with poor manners, they may think less of you or think you don’t know how to act around others. I would be sad for you if that happened.”
I had switched from a position that communicates “I’m against you” (quit stuffing your face like you’re an animal!) to shared interests that communicate “I’m for you!” (I care about you and want the best for you as you interact with others). Too many times we can get stuck on our own positions, when if we could focus on our shared interests, our child might catch a glimpse as to why we’re correcting OR confronting them in the first place. It’s a much deeper reason why you’re addressing your child’s behavior, and very helpful for your child to hear.
My son relaxed, seemed to get this and I could tell he was listening. Together we talked about sharing a reminder to eat meals slowly when he was eating his dinner – particularly something as good as a Grilled Peanut Butter and Banana sandwich.
Can you relate to this story? Have you been able to move beyond your position, identify your shared interests and see some positive results?
