How to Discover Great Solutions to Your Parenting Challenges
Terrell and Janet were visibly tired and discouraged. “Bedtime with our intense son falls apart almost every night! As he resists, we get exasperated with him and end up blaming each other. It’s so frustrating because we’re out of ideas about how to fix this problem! We feel really stuck.”
Terrell and Janet’s cycle was a textbook example of the “negativity rut”. Because our brains are wired to be wary about trouble, it is common to give our biggest reactions and energy to problems. When we focus on problems, we tend not to see the positives and it easy to feel overwhelmed by the negatives. (Learn more about getting out of negativity ruts in our new book!)
The transformative principle we teach almost daily at Connected Families is that whatever you focus on is what you’ll get more of. This important parenting principle reminds me to focus on whatever is right no matter who does it — me, my partner, or my child. If I give more energy to problems, I’ll likely get more problems. If I give more energy to finding what is good, I’ll likely get more of what is good.
It seems the Apostle Paul was intent on teaching this when, from behind bars and not knowing the fate of his life, he wrote, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right…. if there is any excellence or if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things.” (Philippians 4:8) This teaching applies to all relationships – including the way we view ourselves.
I wanted to help Terrell and Janet out of their rut by showing them how to focus on “whatever is good”, so I asked, “When were times that an evening went a little better than what you’re reporting? And what did each of you do that was helpful?” It seemed a little unnatural at first, but gradually they were able to name some successes and the factors that contributed to them. These small “brights spots” were like stepping stones in the mud to get them unstuck and moving forward. By focusing on these bright spots, Terrell and Janet started identifying things they did well that could help solve their recurring problem. It was fun to watch their mood become lighter and more encouraged as we talked about solutions they’d already used successfully, but had not taken the time to notice, discuss, or try to replicate.
Out of that conversation grew numerous practical plans for helping their son get to bed peacefully. But even more importantly, they learned to think positively about themselves and about each other. Here’s how they agreed to work on supporting each other:
1) When things fall apart, let’s remind each other that there’s grace, and that we’re a team.
2) When we notice even small things going well (not perfectly, but better), let’s compliment each other and discuss how it happened.
The next session Terrell and Janet reported that they had followed through, and that things were definitely going better. They felt more encouraged by one another and more on the same team. By shifting their focus from “what went wrong?” to “what went well?”, they not only discovered solutions to their parenting situation but also felt more encouraged by one another and worked more effectively as a team.
So give affirmation a try! Try a one-week moratorium on criticism and blame – whether it’s of yourself or your spouse – and sincerely look for opportunities to name and celebrate any small successes. Let us know how it goes! You may be surprised to see how those successes begin to repeat themselves.
A Note for Single Parents
Even though this example is one that involves teamwork, the “whatever is good” principle still applies to single parents as well. After a reasonably successful encounter with your child, journal about what went well or call a friend to celebrate your successes!
Further Reading…
- “It Takes a Team”, a free preview from our book, How to Grow a Connected Family.
- When Praise is Hard
- What Kind of Praise Do Kids Need?
- Chores Made Easy!
- Avoiding Those Predictable Meltdowns
