“What Were You Thinking?!” or, How to Handle Impulsive Behavior
Q: How do I deal with my son’s often impulsive behavior?
First and most importantly, everything we’re about to say is most effective when it’s rooted in a strong commitment for your son to walk in all that God has laid out for him (Eph. 2:10). When he knows you are truly thinking of God’s best for him instead of dealing with your frustration, it will put the two of you on the same team.
A bit of research to set the stage: the organizing, planning and reasoning part of the brain (the frontal lobe of the cortex) is generally undeveloped in young children, stressed in adolescence, and doesn’t finish maturing until age 24 at the earliest! This knowledge can help parents and kids to be patient, diligent and hopeful in the process of working on these skills.
Keeping those two things in mind, here are some steps for how to deal with impulsive behavior:
1. When your child is impulsive, STAY CALM. When you stay calm and thoughtful, your son will be much more able to do so himself. As soon as you huff or purse your lips he perceives that you are against him, not for him. Help him learn from the natural results of his actions, as you ask with a genuine smile,
“How did that work out compared to how you thought it might?” “If you had a do-over, what might you do?” Affirm any thoughtful insight he comes up with.
2. Take time to CONNECT with your child and AFFIRM WHAT IS GOOD in his ability to respond quickly. Find ways to give your son creative, spontaneous outlets and enjoy that gift in him. With older kids – play games like Outburst, Guesstures, or Quelf, and marvel at your son’s creative genius!
3. Be PROACTIVE! Don’t wait for trouble to happen to do the teaching. Model and teach him the value of thoughtful responses and planning. Next time he deserves a consequence, take time to think and pray about what would be best – make sure he sees the benefit of that careful thought. Do a project or plan an outing together, and think carefully about what you’ll need and how you’ll organize everything. For things he’s engaged in, ask him, “What’s your plan about that?” and then help him stick to it.
Be intentional to help him learn from your past – share your lessons from both impulsive and wise choices.
In the context of the board games mentioned above, or at other times, take some time to ask the following sort of questions:
- “Your creative impulse is awesome in settings like this! When are some times it’s not so helpful? “
- “What are some ways you get in trouble when you use Outburst-like behavior at school or with friends?”
- “When have been some times that you could have been impulsive but you resisted? How did you do it?”
Resist the inclination to lecture, and work at being a sincere learner. Watch for times your son is not impulsive, even though he could be. Don’t praise it, just notice it and affirm like this: “I noticed that was one of those times you could have been impulsive. But you weren’t. Instead, you…”
4. Address possible complicating factors. We’ve listed a few culprits below:
- If your family lifestyle is generally haphazard and random, lacking consistent order, this heightens the chaos in a child’s brain. Acknowledge this, get better organized and consistent if you can, and be careful to protect your child from your own anxiety about it all.
- Consider working with a health care provider to do a trial off of certain foods like gluten, dairy, or sugar,
which can be significant detriments to some kids’ nervous systems. - If kids are stressed socially, emotionally or academically, they’re much more likely to act on that anxiety by being impulsive in other settings. Do you know what’s going on in those other parts of their lives?
By keeping these steps in mind — and by making sure your son knows you are FOR him, not against him — you and your son can work together to pursue God’s plan for your family, randomness and all!
For further information on addressing your child’s behavior, check out these resources:
- How to Avoid Combat With Your Kids
- Parenting Goals You Can Meet
- The Talent Waiting to Be Discovered… In Their Misbehavior!
