“…he will turn the hearts of the parents to their children,
and the disobedient to the wisdom of the righteous” Luke 1:17

What if the way you disciplined your kids had the power to turn their hearts toward or away from the safety of your love, your home, and even God? We think it does. Our conclusion comes from extensive work with kids since 1985.

When kids steal, disobey, defy, cheat, lash out, or otherwise sin, in their hearts, they leave. They leave the safety of trustworthy relationships. They leave the safety of boundaries and limits placed for their protection. They leave the purposes for which God created them. These are acts of rebellion. All kids do this. All humans do this.

The way we are treated when we sin determines whether or not we’ll feel safe to return to the protection of the relationships, the love, the boundaries, and the purposes of God for our lives. In our years working in youth groups with other people’s kids we sometimes learned this the hard way. Many of the unchurched kids we were hoping to reach would quit coming after they were caught doing something they shouldn’t do – and disciplined. Especially if the discipline was reactive or shaming, we could pretty much guarantee that unless a strong relationship of grace was in place, we’d never see those kids again.

As parents we tend to take for granted that our kids will not leave. So we are not as thoughtful as we could be about what sort of graceful discipline is needed to woo our children’s hearts back to the safety of loving relationship and God’s purposes. In the name of immediate obedience, angry control, and getting our kids to do the right thing, we tend to get harsh. We act in ways that turn the hearts of our children away from us, not toward us. Sometimes we even sin. It may be very small ways. Slight condescension. Subtle shame or control. Punitive but shaming consequences. If our kids hurt us, our sinful inclination is to somehow hurt them back. Because our sometimes sinful and sometimes thoughtless methods tend to gain quick results for the time being, we tend to think our discipline is “working.” But if “working” is turning our kids’ hearts toward us, and ultimately toward the safety of God’s love and purposes, then as a body of parents who call ourselves Christian, we are largely failing.

In a day and age when kids’ hearts are more readily wooed away from parents than ever before, it’s time to quit taking for granted that are kids won’t run away. They will. It may not look like it did once upon a time, with a hobo stick or a suitcase. Running away these days is just a matter of powering up their devices to escape to anywhere and anyone they please. If you take away their devices they’ll just find another device.

The real question is, what do you need to do so that when your kids require discipline, and are tempted to “leave”, they’ll ultimately want to run to you, then through you right to God?

We have found an answer. Over the past 30 years God has shown us a simple but profound approach for parenting in a way that influences kids toward God’s purposes. As we’ve taught parents these principles we’ve seen dramatic transformations in families’ lives. And we’ve captured the most potent of those principles in an ebook called “The Discipline that Connects Handbook.” We think that this is so important that we’re giving it away! No strings attached. No email address needed.

To get this free book, simply click below. Then, soak in this little book. Embrace the principles. Share this with your friends and family. Join the community of parents who are being transformed by the “Discipline that Connects” approach to parenting.

Our kids need this, and our world needs them.

Click here for your FREE ebook
(Let us know if you run into difficulty downloading or reading the book.
We can email you a file if needed.)

This post concludes the ongoing series “Discipline that Connects®: Four Powerful Messages All Kids Long to Hear” (click for series archive page).

Want help implementing these principles with your family? Check out our coaching options!

Read more:

• One of Our Biggest Parenting Mistakes…
• The Most Important Time to Love Your Child
• What if We’re Doing It All Backwards?

[Photo Credit: digitalskillet | iStockphoto.com]

Sometimes, in spite of parents’ most graceful efforts to stay calm, connect well, and parent with grace, their kids still misbehave. They are “beloved sinners” (just like us) and need corrective guidance (just like we do), with the goal of helping them learn the powerful message, “You are responsible for your life, your relationships, and your decisions.”

Two Biblical principles can help parents communicate this message to their children: natural impacts and imposed consequences.

Natural Impacts

Galatians 6:7 says, “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.” This simply means that if you do bad things, bad stuff naturally happens. But if you do good things, you will reap a harvest if you don’t give up. Natural impacts are the built-in “harvest” that comes based on the actions we choose. For example, when one child hits another, he feels “icky” inside; the other child gets hurt and feels upset also. When a child lies, her friends may not trust her anymore. These are not imposed consequences. They are natural impacts.

Parents tend to miss the potent opportunity for teaching about natural impacts by quickly imposing other consequences or punishment. But this punishment does little if anything to help kids learn to notice and respect natural impacts on their own. While punishment may “work” to temporarily modify behavior, the natural impacts of our child’s behavior will be their best life-long teacher, if they are taught to pay attention.

To help children learn means we sometimes have to get out of the way and let the mess unfold, without imposing extra punishment or protecting your children from the natural impact of their actions. Once this happens, talk gently with your kids to help them understand the cause-and-effect relationship between their behavior and its impact on everyone involved.

When our son Noah went through a phase of struggling with lying, we initially dealt with it by firm confrontation or consequences. We got nowhere. It was almost like “Game On” to see if he could sneak one by us. Then we changed our approach and did three things that really encouraged him toward honesty.

1. When he told the truth, even for little things, we focused on the value of his honesty for protecting our trust and connection (the natural impact of honesty).
2. We taught him to pay attention to that little feeling in his stomach that would come with a lie (one of the natural impacts of dishonesty). It was God’s gift to him to protect the trust and connection between us.
3. We helped him understand the other natural impacts of lying – the mistrust, the broken relationships, the hardened heart that comes from ignoring that icky feeling in our stomachs.

Soon after we shifted our approach, he was coming back to us to confess if he had lied, and it was not that long until the lying was pretty much done. Through his teen years and as a young adult, Noah has been strongly committed to honesty.

Imposed Consequences

Sometimes, natural impacts are not powerful or immediate enough to motivate children to make wise choices. So it can be helpful for parents to help their kids learn to take responsibility by imposing consequences, administered with a desire to nurture deeper faith. Our ultimate discipline goal should be heart change, not instant “justice”. Toward that end, here are some examples of imposed consequences from the Scriptures:

• “Do Overs” / Practice a right response: When Jonah refused to go to Ninevah, he got a little transportation help and a second chance to do as he was told — a “do over”, if you will. It was a solution, not a punishment, that helped Jonah get back on the intended track. A whiny child may be asked to practice asking respectfully two or three times to help them remember to ask respectfully in the future.
• Restitution / Reconciliation: Matthew 18 requires three attempts to reconcile, with gradually increasing assistance in the process, before church discipline is utilized for a defiant offender. Practically speaking, when kids offend or hurt others, they can be held accountable to make restitution – when they’re ready to do it sincerely, but before getting other social or special privileges. Whether it’s doing something kind for your brother after you hit him, or truly apologizing and reconciling after a verbal argument, reconciliation is an important and oft-overlooked alternative to punitive discipline.
• Lose the privilege: When Adam and Eve disobeyed, they lost the privilege of living in the garden. When children misuse a privilege it is fitting to remove that privilege so they learn to value it. (This is not the same as taking away their favorite item whenever they misbehave.) Whether it’s a Matchbox car or the family car, if it’s not used according to clearly stated expectations, it is reasonable to take away the car until restitution is made.

These examples are all about getting hearts right with God and working to get back on track when we’ve gone astray. It’s much more about solving problems than it is about punishing them.

What about when…?

At this point you might be thinking, Yes, but what about THIS situation? What about THIS consequence? But remember, the most important thing is not the methods — it’s the messages you send your child when you discipline. 

Are you letting your kids know, “You’re safe with me! You’re loved! You’re God’s workmanship!” and “You’re responsible!” – even when they misbehave? If so, your kids are likely well on their way to valuing God’s grace and truth in their lives. If it’s still a challenge for you, keep coming back to these ideas. Get the whole book, or dig into others that will help you cement new habits for graceful parenting. And above all, keep praying and looking to God for eyes of discernment about what is reaching your child’s heart.

Apply it Now:

• Which of these consequences is least a part of your discipline?
• How might you apply it to a common misbehavior in your family?

This post is the part of the ongoing series “Discipline that Connects®: Four Powerful Messages All Kids Long to Hear” (click for series archive page). Tune in Thursday for the very last post in this series, and for a special FREE ebook that will be available for downloading.

Want help implementing these principles with your family? Check out our coaching options!

Read more:

• Consequences that Actually Work (Part 3 – Restitution Consequences)
• Would Jesus Spank?
• The Worst Punishment You Can Give…
• THE EBOOK IS COMING!!! Check back this Thursday for a FREE ebook based on this series!

[Photo Credit: digitalskillet | iStockphoto.com]

This is part of a series on “Discipline That Connects®: Four Powerful Messages All Kids Long to Hear”.

All talents or gifts can be used for God’s purposes, but they can also be distorted by selfishness and sin and used to serve misbehavior. When this happens, the gift is still present, but it’s gone awry. To punish the misbehavior without affirming the talent behind it may both reinforce the child’s identification with the sin (I’m bad!) and stifle or weaken the talent’s use in honorable ways. It is therefore critical when correcting a child’s misbehavior to also affirm and find a positive use of the gift that fueled it.

To help you spot your child’s “gifts gone awry”, here are some examples of common misbehaviors and some gifts/talents that tend to drive them.

12 Misbehaviors and the “Gifts Gone Awry” Behind Them

Arguing/Backtalk → Gift: Honesty, Strong feelings/opinions, Confidence
(Research has shown that argumentative children are less likely to lie or be deceitful. In the long run they are more likely to adopt the values of their parents because they passionately exchange ideas instead of going underground with their perspectives.)
Yelling → Gift: Expressiveness, Desire to be understood
Stubbornness → Gift: Determination, Intensity of focus
Bossiness/Strong Will → Gift: Leadership, Assertiveness
Lying → Gift: Creativity, Good memory, Desire to keep the peace
Stealing → Gift: Planning, Courage, Ability to take risks
Irritability → Gift: Sensitivity
Insecurity → Gift: Awareness of the feelings and perspectives of others
Impulsiveness → Gift: Energy, Living in the moment, Quick responses
Whining → Gift: Persistence, Insight into people (and what makes parents give in…)
Complaining → Gift: Awareness of problems, Potential for good problem-solving
Defensiveness → Gift: Strong sense of right and wrong
(The kids that have the hardest time admitting guilt are usually those who feel the worst about having done something wrong, even if it doesn’t show.)

Remember — one of the most critical times for us to affirm our children’s talents is when they misbehave. We have a great opportunity when kids misbehave to look beneath the sin and identify a talent. When we do this, we can help our kids learn to use their talents the way God intended — to help others and to bring God glory.

Apply It Now:

1. What is a common misbehavior your child struggles with?
2. What might be one or more gifts/strengths under the surface of that misbehavior?
3. How could you point that out and help your child use it for good purposes?

This post is part of the ongoing series “Discipline that Connects®: Four Powerful Messages All Kids Long to Hear” (click for series archive page). Next week is the last week, so watch for the last few posts and for a special FREE opportunity at the series conclusion.

Want help implementing these principles with your family? Check out our coaching options!

Read more:

• What’s REALLY Behind Kids’ Misbehavior?
• How to Turn Misbehavior into Success!
• What’s Your Child Really Saying?
• THE EBOOK IS COMING!!! Watch next week for a FREE ebook at the conclusion of this series.

[Photo Credits: Dori OConnell & claudiobaba | iStockphoto.com]

This is part of a series on “Discipline That Connects®: Four Powerful Messages All Kids Long to Hear”.

“No one has ever said anything like that to me!”

The rough-looking teen’s tough veneer had softened. I detected tears in his eyes.

Just minutes before this I’d asked Jared what he was good at. “Are you kidding?” He seemed angry. “Look at me.” Violent tattoos, tattered dark clothes, a defiant countenance and multiple piercings on his ears, nose, eyebrows and lips were suggestive of a hard life.

I asked if he was good at lying. “I’m great at it,” was his curt response, as if he wished the conversation would end.

“So you’re creative, and have a good memory,” I said with a little smile.

“What d’ya mean?” he was quick to ask. I had his interest.

I continued my questioning. “So you’re good at that — how about skipping school?”

He smirked a little. “Yeah!”

“How do you get away with it?” I continued.

Jared grew perhaps a little excited. “Well, me and my buddies distract the door monitor lady for each other and then take turns about who gets to leave that day.” He was proud.

“So you’re a good planner, you treat your friends fairly, and you’re all willing to sacrifice for each other. Add to that list your creativity and good memory and I’d say you’re a pretty talented guy. Imagine what might happen if you used some of those talents in ways that were more helpful to you and others, and less trouble!” My words were heartfelt.

So were Jared’s, as evidenced by his tears and soft tone. “No one has ever said anything like that to me!”

Seeing people from a “Kingdom Perspective”

When people hear a list of misbehaviors like Jared’s, it can be easy to get distracted by trying to “straighten him out” and fix the problems. But the starting place to capture Jared’s heart and attention was not to dwell on and try to solve his failures, but to identify the talents God gave him, even if they were evident only in his struggles. This kind of encouragement opens even the most challenging of kids to hearing more about how God built them.

The key to disciplining with a “kingdom perspective” is to view my children both as sinners AND as God’s miraculous workmanship, created in God’s image and for God’s purposes. Only then can I begin to see them first and foremost as capable of great things, in spite of their current misbehavior.

Even when kids like Jared get in trouble, they often use their talents to do it. If all that happens is punishment, the children often grow discouraged, believing they are trouble-makers, not talented people.

If we truly want to help our children learn and grow into the purpose for which God created them, we need to be intentional about teaching them valuable character traits — both proactively before misbehavior, and even when they’ve just misbehaved.

What’s Your Ultimate Goal?

Many times when we work with parents we ask them, “What’s your goal when you discipline your child?” The most common responses parents give are:

• To make the bad behavior stop.
• To get our kids under control.
• To teach right behavior.

Stopping a misbehavior and teaching the right behavior is not necessarily a bad goal, but it focuses only on what’s immediately wrong. If you want your kids to grow a heart that values what’s right, it’s important to notice and affirm anything you can – even if it’s hidden behind what’s wrong.

When we look at Jesus’ ministry we see his powerful ability to look beneath the surface of people’s problems with a vision to leverage their challenges to draw them into the kingdom. Jesus didn’t treat “misbehavior” with an eye to just correct it, but with the goal of changed hearts.

Saul the Pharisee was a prime example of this. A persecutor and murderer of Christians, Jesus met him on the road to Damascus. (See Acts 9 for the full story.) Instead of doling out strong punishment to Saul for his hideous acts, Jesus met him with grace, knowing that God would use Saul’s talents to build the kingdom. So powerful was Saul’s experience that he went away from the encounter with a new mission. He became the apostle Paul, arguably the most important missionary in all of history.

Paul learned to use his same gifts of zeal, determination, and leadership — the gifts that made him so effective at putting believers to death — to bring true Life to unbelievers! As parents, we can draw our kids into Kingdom purposes when we step back, look beneath their immediate misbehaviors, and see the talents used to misbehave with a vision for how God might use those talents for good.

Apply It Now:

• Consider what it means that God has created you and your child to walk in the good works he has already planned for you (Ephesians 2:10).
• What strengths in you has God used to bless others? What are the ways that those strengths used to show up in misbehavior?

This post is the part of the ongoing series “Discipline that Connects®: Four Powerful Messages All Kids Long to Hear” (click for series archive page). Next week is the last week, so watch for the last few posts and for a special FREE opportunity at the series conclusion.

Want help implementing these principles with your family? Check out our coaching options!

Read more:

• What’s REALLY Behind Kids’ Misbehavior?
• The Most Important Time to Love Your Child
• What’s Your Child Really Saying?
• THE EBOOK IS COMING!!! Watch next week for a FREE ebook at the conclusion of this series.

[Photo Credit: Joel Eichler | iStockphoto.com]

This is part of a series on “Discipline that Connects®: Four Powerful Messages All Kids Long to Hear”.

Communicating “love no matter what” when kids misbehave can seem like a tall order. But when these five simple changes come from a calmed heart, they can powerfully turn the tide of negative discipline encounters.

1. Get down on kids’ level

Standing posture is frequently employed as a high-pressure sales tactic because it puts the seller in an intimidating position that is much more likely to coerce a decision to buy. Parents can often loom over small children, and even tall teens may still think of parents as bigger and more powerful. One important way we can communicate being “for” our children is to “shrink” our posture by sitting or kneeling and keeping open body language (e.g. uncrossed arms).

2. Give gentle touch — with permission

Safe, affectionate touch is a powerful communicator of love. A hug or a gentle hand on the shoulder can be calming, reassuring, and connective — if the child doesn’t perceive some other agenda. If we put a hand on our son’s shoulder during an argument with any hint of control he reacted angrily, but our kids usually appreciated the offer of a hug when they were ready.

3. Empathize

When you can articulate and identify with your children’s feelings, it helps them to know that you are on their side. Take your best guess at what your child might be feeling and make an observation — or simply ask her. This can range from simple toddler-talk: “You’re mad! You want to go outside!” to teen-talk: “I can imagine how frustrating it is to want to go hang with your friends after a hard day of school and you’ve got a ton of homework.”

4. Really listen to your child

When my children feel they are being heard, they feel respected, which makes them far less inclined to continue defiant behavior. Show your understanding by restating your child’s words with “what I hear you saying is” — or maybe just be quiet for a little while! Sometimes children just need a good listener.

5. Verbalize “I love you”

This may seem obvious, but it’s important. Telling our kids we love them requires a sincere heart, free of manipulation. So don’t write us next week to tell us “I tried that unconditional love thing and it didn’t work…”

If you can make a habit of expressing your love to your children in all different kinds of times, positive behavior or not, we believe you will begin to see different outcomes with your children, and they will begin to internalize the message of “love no matter what.”

This post is the part of the ongoing series “Discipline that Connects®: Four Powerful Messages All Kids Long to Hear” (click for series archive page). Watch in the next few weeks for others in this series and for a special FREE opportunity at the series conclusion.

Want help implementing these principles with your family? Check out our coaching options!

Read more:

• The Most Important Time to Love Your Child
• Would Your Children Say You Love Them?
• When Kids Reject Affection, Don’t Give Up!
• The special FREE ebook is coming soon! Keep your eyes peeled and make sure you don’t miss it!

[Photo Credit: kali9 | iStockphoto.com]

This post is part of a series on “Discipline that Connects®: Four Powerful Messages All Kids Long to Hear”.

There is no more important time for kids to know they are loved than when they misbehave. If the love message misses them then, they will grow to believe that love is conditional or earned. People who believe that love is earned tend to rise and fall with their performance, and compromise themselves for approval. Not what we want for our kids.

One way children know they’re loved is if you simply say so, not in a condescending way, but from your heart, right there while your kids are misbehaving. (Sound crazy? Just try it!) But another powerful, perhaps less-well-known way to express love is by expressing understanding, or empathy.

Empathy is about putting ourselves in our kids’ shoes, and feeling what it’s like to be them. This is good for both parents and kids. Because empathy only happens in a settled brain, it is impossible to be simultaneously angry and truly empathetic. So figuring out how a child feels will also help settle a parent down.

Once you identify your child’s emotions, you can become a mirror and simply tell them what you see, using words that help them to know you understand. “You’re sad!” or, “You’re angry!” will help the child know you get what it’s like to be them. But more significantly, beneath this simple act are powerful messages of love. “I understand you! You are not alone! I am for you.”

Communicating these messages doesn’t mean the child is now “off the hook,” but that you are with them and for them in the struggle, not against them. As children feel understood, if consequences are still needed, they are much more receptive to the consequences because they know, “You are LOVED no matter what!” And sometimes, as a bonus, just by empathizing, parents influence their children to self-correct their misbehavior.

Amy, the mom of a three-year-old, told us the following story (and then sent us a “reality show” video [click to watch] of the impact of her empathy).

Lizzie was distraught when she spilled on her favorite stuffed bunny and it had to be laundered. She screamed as Amy put the bunny into the front-loading washing machine with the rest of the clothes. Amy set firm boundaries, “This is not OK! You need to learn to get over it when things don’t go the way you want!” But her reminders seemed to fall on deaf ears as the bunny spun and spun in front of increasingly distressed Lizzie. As the tantrum escalated Amy remembered the simple idea – empathy often takes the fight out of a child’s tantrum.

So Amy took a moment to settle down herself. She realized it was OK for Lizzie to scream unattended for a bit so she could breathe and calm down. Then she returned to her still-screaming daughter, got down on her level, and said emphatically, “You really want your bunny, don’t you? You really want her!”

Lizzie continued crying, but immediately the edge went out of her wails. Amy continued, “You love that bunny, don’t you? Do you need a hug?” Lizzie climbed onto Amy’s lap.

Now Amy joined Lizzie in her sadness instead of suppressing it. She didn’t open the washing machine to give Lizzie the bunny — she just took the fight out of the interaction by empathizing. In just a few short moments, what was originally a power struggle to stop a tantrum became a valuable teaching moment that ended with Lizzie learning to empty the washing machine and start the load in the dryer. True discipline that connects!

In this instance, Amy’s empathy calmed Lizzie’s tantrum and empowered her to help with the dryer. That’s great. Life was more peaceful for both of them that day, and more importantly Lizzie felt loved in her misbehavior. But as Amy persists at expressing empathy to Lizzie in a variety of situations and emotions, she’ll accomplish a lot more than just quelling meltdowns.

A longer-term look (adapted from the work of Dr. John Gottman) shows that as parents empathize and build their child’s ability to identify their feelings, it builds five powerfully positive strengths:

1. Self-awareness – I recognize and understand my own emotions
2. Self-regulation – I calm and redirect my disruptive emotions and impulses
3. Empathy – I understand and value other people’s feelings
4. Social skills – I utilize insight for healthy relationships
5. Motivation – I achieve because I know what’s important to me

So when your child acts out or throws a tantrum, why not try empathizing with their feelings? It’ll help you to react more calmly, help your kids to build emotional maturity, and most importantly communicate to your kids that they are loved unconditionally, no matter what!

Apply It Now:

• When was a time when you helped your upset child identify their emotions, or articulate what was really important to them?
• What was the result?
• How might you do that more often?

This post is the part of the ongoing series “Discipline that Connects®: Four Powerful Messages All Kids Long to Hear” (click for series archive page). Watch in the next few weeks for others in this series and for a special FREE opportunity at the series conclusion.

Want help implementing these principles with your family? Check out our coaching options!

Read more:

• When Kids Act Up, Don’t Try to Be More Patient…
• The Most Important Time to Love Your Child
• How a Pipe Cleaner Can Stop Your Child’s Meltdowns!
• The DTC special FREE ebook is coming soon! Keep watching and make sure you don’t miss it!

[Photo Credit: Karen Struthers | iStockphoto.com]

This post is part of a series on “Discipline That Connects®: Four Powerful Messages All Kids Long to Hear“.

What might happen if every time we disciplined our children we remembered this powerful message of God’s love for us: “See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!” (1 John 3:1). God’s love is a free gift. No strings attached. No behavioral outcomes needed. If God loves us so freely, let’s receive that love, and give it away to our kids. Even when they misbehave.

We have repeatedly found that when parents can make their love known, even in the worst of behavior challenges, it almost always softens the intensity of their children’s defiance. And more importantly, it communicates to children that they are loved no matter what, whether they behave well or poorly.

It’s hard to do this, because we get caught in the heat of the moment. But what if…?

“Love No Matter What” Can Change Everything

Early in our ministry, we met a mom named Melanie who had “angry mom” written all over her, most notably by her permanent scowl. She wasted no time in telling us about her daughter’s misbehaviors and listened skeptically to our encouragement to make sure her discipline flowed from a heart of unconditional love.

The following week, Melanie’s young daughter, Anna, disobeyed by playing with a soccer ball in the living room. In a flash, Melanie’s prized possession, an antique heirloom lamp, was shattered. Upon hearing the crash Melanie raced into the room to find her precious lamp exploded all over the floor. That was her instinct, too — to explode all over her daughter.

As Melanie started into her familiar rage, she noticed how fearful her daughter was, cowering on the floor, awaiting her mom’s wrath. She felt an unfamiliar twinge of compassion. She knew this was an opportunity to demonstrate God’s unconditional love, if only she could let go of her rage. Melanie took a deep breath. She uttered a quick prayer and for the first time in her life in a discipline situation she felt God’s Spirit move in her. She remembered the message of the class: “Love her now. Because this is when it matters.” She dropped to her knees, gathered a terrified Anna into her arms, and from her newly-found heart of compassion said, “That lamp was really special to me, but I love you so much more than that lamp!” Relief poured out in Anna’s deep sobs. For the first time in the midst of messing up, Anna felt loved as Melanie held and rocked her. Problem-solving about the broken lamp could wait.

Seven years later we ran into Melanie again, but this time she was vibrant and joyful. “That was absolutely a turning point in my life,” she said. “I realized I didn’t have to be the stern and harsh parent my parents were.”

Like Melanie, we can break the pattern of angry punishment. When we let go of our rage, or even just our frustration, we can better prepare our hearts. Then we can focus on communicating unconditional love to our children even when they struggle, and we open the way for both us and our children to experience the wonderful cascade of God’s love and mercy.

This is not to say that we should skip consequences — Melanie talked with her daughter later, and imposed appropriate consequences for disobediently playing with her soccer ball in the house. The point is that we should administer consequences while keeping the love message alive.

Love Wins: The Eternal Impact

If we only express love when our children behave well or need comfort, we communicate to them that love is conditional. Our kids may learn to perform to get love, and that can be a very unhealthy life pattern.

But when parents express love when their children struggle or misbehave, they effectively communicate that their kids are so valuable that they are loved in spite of what they do. Expressing love and kindness during these challenging times is the only way to truly convince our children that they are loved unconditionally, no matter what they do. This is the best way to open the door of the children’s hearts to our teaching.

Not only is communicating unconditional love important for connecting in discipline, but it also paves the way for children to truly understand God’s love for them. When we show our kids that “neither tantrums, nor defiance…nor any other misbehavior” can separate them from our love, we help them understand that nothing can separate them from the love of God, either (Romans 8:38-39).

If we want our children to seek God’s love and truth, we would do well to consider an important question: How do I want my child to view God when she messes up?

For it is in our discipline that we have the greatest opportunity to show them that our love — and God’s — is “wide, deep, and long” enough to cover them even when they misbehave.

This post is the part of the ongoing series “Discipline that Connects®: Four Powerful Messages All Kids Long to Hear” (click to see all posts in this series). Watch in the next few weeks for new posts and for a special FREE opportunity at the series conclusion.

Want help implementing these principles with your family? Check out our coaching options!

Read more:

• When Kids Act Up Breathe In God’s Presence
• What to Do When We Blow Up
• When Kids’ Disrespect Gets You Fuming!!!
• Watch for a special FREE ebook at the end of this series…

[Photo Credit: Jeff Hathaway | iStockphoto.com]

This post is part of a series on “Discipline That Connects®: Four Powerful Messages All Kids Long to Hear”.

Parents who learn to effectively discipline misbehaving kids learn to first calm themselves for this often difficult, emotion-laden task. We suggest that parents develop the habit to “Stop, Breathe, and Get Perspective.” But what does that look like? Here are six easy ways to “get perspective” as you calm your heart for discipline that connects.

1. Name your feelings.

Do you know what you’re feeling? All too often parents’ intense feelings don’t get named or understood. Or worse yet, they blame their child for their feelings, like this: “You make me so mad!” But the truth is, our feelings are our responsibility. Learning to name feelings and say them out loud helps parents take responsibility for their own feelings: “I’m mad! And I want to settle down.”

2. Pray.

Simply taking a moment to stop and pray can work wonders for calming yourself and remembering your larger goals for disciplining your child. “God, give me wisdom and compassion. Help me forgive and let go of my anger. Give me your heart for my child.”

3. Recite a scripture or memorized saying.

One mom’s favorite verse to combat parenting stress is Matthew 25:40: “Whatever you did for one of the least of these… you did for Me.” When she was especially upset, she’d say it out loud, which seemed to help calm her child as well. Another parent repeated, “God is here. God’s grace is for me!” One wise dad simply reminds himself, “Ah, I love this kid!”

4. Buy time.

Do whatever you can to slow everyone down and give tempers time to cool. Practice some simple scripts: “We’re all pretty upset. Let’s talk about this later when we can solve it better.” OR “I need some time to think. I want to make sure the consequence for this is really helpful.”

5. Walk in their shoes.

What is your child feeling right now? Have you ever felt similar emotions? What might your child need right now? Take a moment to see things from their perspective.

6. Look for the opportunity.

Prepare to make the most of a difficult situation: ask yourself, “What opportunities are there for unconditional love or building life skills?” Difficult times can provide the best arena for personal growth. As we say, never waste a good crisis!

There are certainly many more than six ways to “get perspective” when you’re about to discipline. The most important thing is that you learn to stop, calm yourself, and leave room for God’s mercy and grace to wash over you and your children.

This post is the part of the ongoing series “Discipline that Connects®: Four Powerful Messages All Kids Long to Hear” (click for series archive page). Watch in the next few weeks for others in this series and for a special FREE opportunity at the series conclusion.

Want help implementing these principles with your family? Check out our coaching options!

Read more:

• When Kids Act Up, Don’t Try to Be More Patient…
• Discipline that Connects®: “You Are Safe with Me”
• When Kids’ Disrespect Gets You Fuming!!!
• Watch for a special FREE ebook at the end of this series…

[Photo Credit: Sharon Dominick | iStockphoto.com]

Learning to receive God’s grace for ourselves, and then dispensing that grace to our kids, is the essence of becoming a safe parent. When we do this, we can focus more on caring for our children’s souls than on managing their misbehavior.

It starts with me. Kids provoke us. And when we’re provoked, we tend to reveal what’s really inside us – especially when the provocateurs are our very own little children. What’s revealed is often not a very pretty picture. Virtually every parent we’ve talked to in any depth admits, “I don’t like the me that comes out when I discipline my kids.” One said, “I am so competent at work and with friends. I’m on my game almost all the time. But when my kids act up it’s like I lose the ‘real me!’ I become someone I don’t know or like.”

The tough truth to swallow is that whatever comes out of us IS the “real me.” The goofy thing is, that as much as we tend to despise the “me” that emerges, by the beauty of God’s grace, we are accepted just as we are (but God doesn’t want to leave us unchanged!).

If only we could say the same about our misbehaving children.Parents who grow in God’s grace will bring that grace even to discipline challenges. This is the only way kids can begin to understand the depth of God’s grace.

The Heart’s Overflow

In Matthew 12:34, Jesus said, “…out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.” In other words, whatever “baggage” we have affects not only us, but it overflows to our children. When what’s in our heart is anger, anxiety, or a need to control, we can’t help but spill out messages to our children messages they perceive to mean:

• “You are a pain.”
• “You are a problem.”
• “You make me angry” (which puts the child in control of the parent’s emotions).
• “You are unloved when you act up.”

When children perceive these messages in our discipline, even if the technique came from the latest parenting guru, they most likely will resist our efforts. Even if they comply to avoid rejection or punishment the messages won’t build values that motivate kids to do the right thing for good reasons. This sort of thing happens to all parents once in a while. But if it becomes the norm, kids will embrace those messages as their guide. It is therefore very important for parents to learn to be safe by calming their hearts before discipline. Only then can they speak truth from a heart of God’s grace and peace rather than communicate false or hurtful messages from a heart of anger or control.

The Overflow of Grace

When parents are upset, kids get upset too and tend to focus on Mom’s or Dad’s anger or stress instead of on their own behavior. This “mirroring” just leads to a cycle of stress and anger as the difficult emotions reflect back and forth between parent and child. What kids learn in this cycle is usually the opposite of what parents want them to learn.

When I calm my heart, I can receive grace and feel much safer to my child. When I can stop before I “burst”, pray for God’s peace and compassion, and respond calmly to my child’s misbehavior, I protect them from my “baggage”, and the messages my child perceives and learns are altogether different:

• “I am for you, not against you.”
• “You are safe with me. God gives me peace and wisdom.”
• “I love you no matter how you misbehave!”
• “You are capable of getting through this and resolving it.”
• “You are responsible and, even if your consequence is hard for you, I am here.”

These are messages of grace. They are the messages of love God demonstrates to us in our “misbehavior” (See Romans 5:8). When we can discipline in ways that communicate these messages, our children will open their hearts to our influence. But more important than that, they become more open to the very message of the Gospel.

This post is the part of the ongoing series “Discipline that Connects®: Four Powerful Messages All Kids Long to Hear” (click to see all posts in this series). Watch in the next few weeks for new posts and for a special FREE opportunity at the series conclusion.

Want help implementing these principles with your family? Check out our coaching packages!

Read more: 

• 6 Destructive Lies We Tell Ourselves — And How to Fight Them!
• How to Love the Children of Your Reality
• What if We’re Doing It All Backwards?
• Watch for a special FREE ebook at the end of this series…

[Drawing credit: Jorel Williams]

This post is part of a series on “Discipline That Connects®: Four Powerful Messages All Kids Long to Hear”.

Over the next four weeks we will expand on four powerful messages that parents can focus on as Biblical goals when discipline challenges hit the fan. When kids grow to believe these messages are true, their hearts are much more open to their parents’ teaching and discipline.

The first message is: “You are Safe!” When parents operate in God’s grace, kids will come to feel safe in their parents’ care, even if there is misbehavior to address and consequences to impose. By safe we mean that the kids have a sense, even in the struggle, that their parents are for them, not against them. They feel secure. Safe children know there is someone guarding their soul. Parents who are growing in God’s grace will bring that grace even to discipline challenges. This paves the way for kids to understand God’s grace. Do your kids feel safe and secure with you – even when they misbehave?

The second message: “You are Loved!” God is love (See 1 John 4:7-8), and we are his closest representatives for our kids. So it’s critical that they feel loved by us – no matter what! If love is to be understood and received as unconditional, it MUST show up in the context of misbehavior. In the same way that no human can earn the free gift of God’s love, no child should get the sense that they are loved most when they behave well. Do your kids know and experience your love, even when they’ve acted up? Ask them. And work overtime to be sure their heartfelt answer is yes.

The third message: “You are God’s workmanship!” Our kids were created by God as unique masterpieces, to do great things. Sometimes their unique talents show up even when they misbehave. Yes, even the persistently whining child has skills that God put there so the child could do the “good works they were prepared to do” (See Ephesians 2:10). Instead of just punishing the persistence of whining, the expressiveness, the strong will, you can acknowledge them and invite your child to use those strengths in honoring ways. What gifts show up when your child misbehaves? How could you help them use their strengths and talents to be a blessing to someone?

The fourth message: “You are Responsible!” Of course all parents want their children to take responsibility for their lives. The efforts they put into this desire, however, often communicate the opposite message to kids. For example, when we want our kids to take responsibility for something and then keep nagging them to do it, the message is actually, “You are irresponsible. You need my constant reminders and consequences to guide you.” Learning to communicate true responsibility is an art developed far more by good questions, giving choices, and thoughtful consequences than by high-intensity demands and arbitrary punishment. You can help prepare your child to be accountable to God by teaching responsibility and wise decision-making now.

Get started now. Think about these messages. Start discussing them with the important people in your lives. Try a few new things. And then look forward to getting more ideas in the weeks to come.

This post is the part of the ongoing series “Discipline that Connects®: Four Powerful Messages All Kids Long to Hear” (click to see all posts in this series). Watch in the next few weeks for new posts and for a special FREE opportunity at the series conclusion.

Want help implementing these principles with your family? Read about our coaching options!

Read more:

• What if We’re Doing It All Backwards?
• One of Our Biggest Parenting Mistakes…
• What’s Your Child Really Saying?
• Watch for a special opportunity at the end of this series….