“This is stupid! Why do I have so many chores! This is your job, Mom! And when can I get a phone? Everyone else in my grade has one. Why don’t I?” Sound familiar?
You don’t want entitled children, but you’re wondering how you got here and how to get out!
If helping your kids get past this sense of entitlement was a simple script or three easy steps, there would be far fewer entitled kids. We have found in our 20 plus years of working with parents that this is a rapidly growing problem – and it is not just a surface issue.
During our 30+ years of marriage we had occasionally heard of couples ending their marriage due to infidelity. But, for whatever reason, in 2015 Lynne and I heard story after story of marriages falling apart caused by affairs. It broke our hearts. And we knew it could have been us. So we talked and prayed and talked some more – and we decided to share our story.
It’s a story of how God’s grace intercepted what could have been much worse than it was, and the choices we both made to walk in grace towards each other. Our purpose in resharing this is twofold: to plant seeds that could prevent an affair, and to encourage you in your own marriage if you are currently in the midst of this struggle.
For the one confessing: How I avoided a full blown affair
For the one receiving the news: How I responded when my spouse confessed attraction for someone else.
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“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart” – Jeremiah 29:13
I remember the sign on the men’s dorm wall during my freshman year at a Christian college.
A spiritual disciplines checklist was posted for us to keep track of our “progress” (monitored by a well-meaning resident assistant). I am wired for variety, not daily routines, and I felt ashamed every time I missed checking off the boxes in the “Jim J.” section: daily devotional time, prayer, fellowship, witnessing, tithing. (At least I got tithing – 10% of 0 income.)
I felt ashamed that I wasn’t measuring up, even to the point of checking boxes just so no one would know that I wasn’t making very good Christian progress. Good thing there was no box to check about honesty.
Parenting is tough these days. And parents seem to be trying harder than ever to get it right.
You read books as time allows. You stay up, sometimes for hours, researching articles on the internet. You give it everything you’ve got. You see glimpses of progress, but you continue seeing the same issues, the same misbehavior, the same fights repeat themselves over and over again — maybe even growing slowly more troublesome. And you know your family is capable of so much more.
You just can’t seem to get there.
John was fed up. Like many parents, he came to me looking for a quick fix. No matter what consequences or logic John put in place, his 6th grade son Ben just wouldn’t take responsibility for getting himself up and moving, and out the door on time for school.
He told me that everything he’d tried had failed.
Rather than talking about the behavior, I asked him, “Does Ben know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you love him?”
As a young dad, I was taught that “delayed obedience is disobedience,” and that kids should be required to immediately obey all parental requests. I disciplined accordingly, knowing that having obedient kids was a good goal. And, if I’m honest with myself, I liked the feeling of control and validation that came with having obedient kids.
When our kids disobeyed, I was quick to respond with a rebuke and a consequence. Our oldest son Daniel was particularly strong-willed and defiant, and I was particularly hard on him. But my approach didn’t have the desired effect. As he grew from toddler to preschooler, Daniel grew more irritated by my discipline, and his general demeanor started becoming more angry and testy. I intensified efforts to “nip this in the bud” by using the commonly recommended practices for requiring obedience. The firmly delivered phrase, “Daniel, delayed obedience is disobedience, and you’ll be disciplined if you don’t obey immediately,” was commonplace. Sometimes he complied, and sometimes he did not, but we were both generally discouraged by the process.
When kids become teens, they start acting like they don’t need us. If we don’t understand why they’re doing this, and figure out ways to respond gracefully, we risk building resentment in the relationship.
It helps to understand that teens who push us away may be merely expressing a normal developmental stage in the best way they know how. After all, it’s their job to become their own person, and become more responsible for their lives. When parents find ways to keep love alive, even during this sometimes tense stage of life, they have their best shot at helping their kids launch confidently in just a few years.
Check out this video (made in partnership with Family Life Canada) to learn more.
Research has shown that being bored is not such a bad thing for kids. Boredom can foster creativity and patience. Yet, when a parent hears that tired phrase, “I’m bored!” again and again, we may feel the need to fix the boredom problem, and keep our kids happy and busy. Does this work? Possibly. But, only if you are trying to fix the problem in the short term. Once the activity or event is over, the familiar whine resurfaces. How do we beat boredom once and for all with kids, while at the same time teach them some important life skills? Read the story below about my interaction with a seven-year-old family friend, and consider these four tips to beat boredom in your own family.
Josie looked at me (the “fun guy” at the table) as she announced with conviction, “I’m bored!”
We were at an outdoor restaurant, and she had finished eating before the rest of us.
I’ve been thinking a lot about you lately. You see, Lynne and I have this amazing opportunity to speak to groups of parents all over the country. Most of these workshops, however, are filled with a majority of moms. We love connecting and encouraging moms!
To be honest, though, I’m often nervous about the conversation that happens after these events. I can just imagine the dad on the receiving end feeling like he is being dumped on with new-found parenting wisdom. I also know that sometimes things get lost in translation. I find myself wishing that I could be talking to the dad too.
With that in mind, I sat down to record an overview of our parenting framework, thinking specifically of dads. These are ideas that Lynne and I developed over decades of working with families, and ideas I wish I knew better when I was a young dad.
“I want it! Can I have it? I want it NOW!”
Regardless of how articulate your teen or toddler may be, most parents are familiar with variations of this demand. When we hear this from our kids we’re inclined to quickly pronounce, “No!” and the fight or flight game is on. The two options we’ve given our kids are to 1) give in or 2) dig in and fight. When our kids give in, it’s not because they understand our logic or reasoning, it’s because they know they can’t win the fight. More often, however, they dig in and the power struggle intensifies.
The truth is, whether kids give in or not, simply pronouncing “No!” misses a great opportunity to help a child learn responsibility and wisdom, and our quick, firm refusal may also provoke an even stronger compulsion to get stuff as a way of feeling significant.
So consider this approach instead: