Stop Doing Stuff For Your Kids That They Can Do For Themselves Blue2sm

Your kids: Responsible or Spoiled?

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Posted on: 05-17-2012 by: Jim Jackson

The Key to Avoiding Entitlement:

How to avoid entitlement in your kids

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Are you unknowingly too child-centered?

We wrote recently about the problem of entitlement among children — about how many well-meaning parents, without thinking about it much, have become too child-centered. The article struck a nerve. Some felt offended or were defensive, while most strongly agreed but asked for more ideas about how to keep their kids from feeling entitled.

The simple answer we gave to parents was this: As soon as your child is capable of doing jobs, take the time to teach her to do the jobs and then gracefully hold her responsible to do them. When doing those jobs benefits others, help her understand the benefits. Because when kids use their talents in ways that bless others, they begin to find their way into the purposes for which God created them.

Unfortunately, even parents who agree with this often have spoiled kids. They cook for kids who are capable of cooking. They clean for kids who are capable of cleaning. They wash clothes, shop, buy, and even speak for their kids.

It starts innocently enough. In the kids’ younger years it’s more efficient to do the stuff instead of to teach our kids to do it. It takes much longer to grocery shop in ways that involve, teach, and encourage our kids. As they get older and more capable, we keep doing all the work, because the fight to get the now-spoiled kids involved just isn’t worth it. And the snowball keeps rolling and growing.

In the name of “taking good care of their kids”, many parents have become little more than service providers, and their kids have become masterful, manipulative consumers of those services. Their kids do anything they can to avoid responsibility for their own lives, and the parents help by picking up the slack. Ultimately, as long as this continues, parents unwittingly communicate a powerful message to the children: “You are not responsible for your own life. Someone else is.” And as kids learn this message, they grow up expecting others to take care of them and their messes.

With kids of any age, the answer to this problem is simple, though the work to re-teach them may be hard:

Stop doing stuff for your kids that they can do for themselves!

It will help greatly if you gracefully:

  • Let your kids know you believe they are capable.
  • Let them know that by doing many of the things they can do for themselves, you’ve robbed them of the opportunity to learn responsibility.
  • Let them know that you are going to change your ways.
  • Ask for their ideas about how you can accomplish the goal.
  • Take charge of making and clearly communicating the plan.
  • Follow through.

By doing this you will help them learn some of life’s most important lessons: you will encourage them to grow in independence.

The older your kids are the more likely they are to resist. It’s better to start now than when they start job hunting. So make a clear plan. Calmly and gracefully state your plan. Ask the kids which parts they think will be the hardest to learn, and work together on solutions.

By doing this, you will be communicating to your kids two powerful messages all children long to hear and learn: “You are capable, and you are responsible.”

 

If you think this message will benefit other parents, please forward it or share it.

 

Related Articles:

Other “Chores” articles

The New Problem of Entitlement

Michael Phelps’ Secret… And What It Tells Us About Parenting

Free related book chapters:

Raising World Changers – Developing Gifts and Responsibility

Self-Motivated, Responsible Kids – Chores and the Family Team

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  • Bd927

    I do not like the word spoiled. Number one, once something is spoiled it cannot be unspoiled. It is also not a child’s fault if they feel entitled. Someone allowed this pattern to happen. Children are not spoiled, they just have not yet learned or have not been given the opportunity to learn positive ways to handle situations.

    • http://www.facebook.com/NJacksonater Noah Rraton Jackson

      Good point! We will consider this as we develop this subject further.

      • DJ

        If I absolutely had to use a different term to describe a spoiled child, I would perhaps use “responsibility deprived.” Children think the world revolves around them and behave as such when they are given everything without being given responsibility to go along with it.

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  • http://www.thesmallrain.net/ Sarah

    Oh man.  This was a huge kick in the rear for me.

    I admit I have been a lazy parent.  We go through spurts of being better about the chores, and then we get lazy.  We have four kids, age 10 to 1. Since summer began they’ve been lumps on the couch, which I allowed for the first week…but it’s time to get into a routine. 

    I needed to hear this and to not be defensive but recognize I’ve fallen into the pattern of letting my kids feel entitled. I think the danger for me is to suddenly change everything overnight and make them resentful…I like the suggestions of talking about how we’ve failed them in letting this pattern to develop and asking their input on how we change.

    Thanks so much…and I thanked my friend who posted it as well.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=500958078 Jim Jackson

      Glad this motivates you! Sounds like you have a plan. Let us know how it goes.

  • Sixeyes

    I’d add the corollary that when we do this, we need to adjust our expectations of what constitutes an acceptable job. If I expect my 7 yo to pour juice for the family, I can’t get mad at her for occasionally spilling some on the floor, or filling the cups too high, or that kind of thing. We need to accept that our standards of cleanliness and order may have to shift a little. I think it’s worth it.

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  • Yonkers

    Our summer rules: Out of bed and breakfast finished by 9. Chore time 9-10 (even if they had friends over, every one pitches in and works together). After 1000 we would run our errands , or have our summer time fun! They knew what was expected of them, and it kept our family organized. You can’t believe how much we would accomplish in a summer!

  • http://twitter.com/ThePriss April Ann

    I really get shocked responses when I tell people what I let my 9 year old do. I still don’t see what was wrong with letting him watch the parade on his own. We live a block away from where it was happening. (Yes, child snatching, etc… it happens from front yards. he’s not an easy target.) He goes to the restroom at the store on his own, and he knows the rules if he wishes to go elsewhere in the store to look at things while I’m shopping. As for chores, I don’t like doing someone else’s job. He’s not quite tall enough to cook, but microwave and stuff that doesn’t need cooking is entirely within his capabilities. Many days, there’s already something prepared that he can get for himself… and he does.

    Although I admit being a little sad the day he decided he could wash his own hair and told me to get out of the bathroom and go relax. Mostly because my baby, my youngest child, is gaining more independence by the day… and I can’t fight it. If I do, I do him a disservice. I still see the baby he was, but he’ll be 10 in a few short months. That didn’t take long, and 8 more years will be even shorter still.

    He still gives me those mommy moments, though. He’ll come sit in my lap, holds my hand when we cross a busy street or parking lot… because he’s still little at the moment. I just recognize that he’s growing up, and has been since the day he was conceived. Time won’t stop for me either. What will he do when I am no longer capable to do it for him? That won’t work, and I refuse to do that to my child.

  • Sara

    My boyfriend is more spoiled than our 3 year old. it feels like I have two pre-schoolers I have to teach to pick up after themselves. it’s really not that difficult to raise them to not be in their mid-twenties and still dependent on others to pick up after them.

    • blee0121

      I have this same issue with my husband. its exausting to have to treat a grown man like a child.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=500958078 Jim Jackson

        I’m sure there are other complexities, but you do not HAVE TO treat your husband this way. You choose to because it somehow seems better to you than the alternative. It might be helpful to let him know you’re not going to do it anymore and see where the chips fall…Not with a vengeful attitude, but with a peaceful one. If you’re not truly peaceful inside then you’re not ready. But that is how you can start to change things. Keep in mind that if this has been going on a long time it is like pulling out a deeply engrained thorn, and may require some outside help.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=680092778 Kimberly Collins

        I’m curious why you don’t communicate this to your husband/boyfriend. I don’t see what is wrong with telling them that you are not their mother and you resent them for putting you in that role. Tell them you are their significant other and refuse to play mom anymore. It’s not fair to you, nor is it fair to them. It allows them to keep being dependent when they need to learn to take care of themselves.

  • Shannan

    Funny when you look at what children during the late 1800′s/early 1900′s were responsible for compared to today’s children. Cooking, cleaning, outdoor chores – but yet I know parents of 6/7 year olds that still dress them! I believe that parents need to let their children be more independent. My 4 year old is constantly amazing me and other people with the things she can do for herself. I think most children will surprise their parents if they are given the chance.

  • http://www.etsy.com/shop/kittnen kittnen

    When I was in high school, I worked at Subway my senior year. I remember teaching another kid who was a year younger than me how to mop. Not just how we did it at the store, but how to actually do it because he had never touched a mop in his life. When he said that his mother had always done the chores in the house, I was absolutely astonished. I see no reason why kids shouldn’t take on household responsibilities. My mom has always said that as soon as we were old enough to pull a stool up to the washer, we were old enough to wash our own clothes. My cousin lets her 6 year old son mow the lawn (his idea, not hers).

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=500958078 Jim Jackson

      Great illustration of what we’re talking about. In most parts of the world, where kids don’t have the luxury of American childhood and adolescence, they learn to do real life chores because it’s necessary. Only thoughtful parent in America postions their kids as if they are actually needed.

  • Al Hav

    I think I need to pass this on to my mom!! I have 3 kids, ages 2,4, and 6 and they do more than my 23 year old sister that still lives at home!. They separate the dirty laundry to wash(I wash), get the clean laundry out of the dryer, and all 3 work together to fold and hang all of their clothes and put them away. They strip their bedding to wash. My oldest 2 put all the clean dishes away out of the dishwasher, my 2 yr old helps by taking the cups out and handing them up to the oldest. They clean their plates and the table after meals and the 2 oldest sweep the kitchen. They pull weeds, pick vegetables, help us wash the vehicles. They help vacuum and dust. They clean their bedrooms and playroom with very little help from me. All 3 go grocery shopping with me and help carry in all of the groceries and put them away! I believe parents these days don’t enforce independance because its just easier to do it themselves than hear the child complain or they say, well I will have to do it after they do it so its just easier and faster if I do it. Children will never learn that way. Mine do not get an allowance at all. They love helping, it gives them great pride when I thank them and tell them how big of helpers they are.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=500958078 Jim Jackson

      Al – great job! I hope you figure out a way to encourage your peers to do more of this. A generation of kids like yours might be just what our country needs!

    • Summer

      Love it! And I bet they are proud too

    • HeyPaw

      awesome, way to go!

  • Terra

    I am all for this! I don’t have to worry about follow threw too much right now since mine is only 10 months right now. But I still make him put his arms up when he wants up and make him hold his own drinks when he wants them and to crawl his little butt after me if he wants to see what I’m doing. To make it easy for both of us I always make it feel like a game or something totally awesome when he does it.
    But on a different note, my in-laws still baby their 7th grade child. And I mean way too much, they cook all his meals, even if its just re-heating leftovers, wash all of his laundry, clean his room, and get this, WASH his hair when he showers!! Not to even talk about how he asks for things, more like demands stuff even from me. At my sons early first birthday party he was demanding that he was to get all the left over toys and balloons and anything else he saw that he wanted. Lol great motivation to teach my son to care for himself and to talk with respect at all times.

  • sharon

    I guess I will learn as I go but single parenting a two year old…it’s hard to know what I am asking him to do is too much or something he should be able to do…trial and error, I suppose on my part.

    • Megan

      I feel the exact same way…

    • Heather

      As the parent of an 8 and 5 yr old, most of the time, I decide to let them take on the task once they’ve done it by themselves. Like, once my 4 yr old could buckle herself in her carseat without help, I stopped helping. And some days, we would wait thru a meltdown for her to do it…because I knew she could. Now, I don’t even have to say, get buckled…she just does it. We are struggling with chores…most of the time, they are tired from school and don’t want to do them. I’m struggling with how much to expect from them…as I know they have spent much of their day at a desk. Parenting is not for the weak. :)

  • ferngal

    I love this idea i have always believe that i am raising future adults not children. I also dont belive i have to change my expectations i give my child a thing to accomplish and they do it to the best of their ability then i tell them how good they did and if they made a big mistake or didn’t do something that is important i show them but if they do a good job for their age but not to my expectations after they go to bed or school or the other room i adjust it just enough . Example their brushing their teeth i let them brush then i look to see if their is something the dentist need. To know and the easiest way is to use the toothbrush to move around the mouth. the whole time saying dr murphy is going to be so proud how they have taken care of their teeth . Then sweeping my 9 yr old does it and leaves alot of dust with 7 kids it adds up fast so i applaude what he does and when he goes to play with his friend i quickly grab the broom and touch up the floor same with the dishes my 6 year old likes to wash so he washes and i rinse but as i do i take the sponge from walmartbfullbof soap and just double check them. he is happy to be washing and doesnt even worry about momms majic wand. My #1 responsibility as a mom is to love my children and in doing that i have to teach them how to care for themself. In doing that i feel i teach them how to love themself.

  • Melissa

    My husband hardly does anything for himself and I am trying not to instill those values in my our daughter. My inlaws live with us and sometimes if I won’t do something for her she goes running to grandpa. It’s so frustrating.

  • adaptablemamma

    I married the product of an entitled child. Let me tell you, you don’t want the nagging and bitterness for your child that my husband suffered at the hands of a wife who didn’t want to be a servant. Funny, my MIL is always amazed that my 2 year old son can gather his toys himself and bring his own dishes to the sink after dinner.

  • Special_k

    I would love examples for different ages. With 2 small kids realistic expectations are not always easily recognized.

  • XOXO

    I would like to add, let them know it’s ok to make mistakes. Don’t put the expectation of perfection on them. I grew up that way and now as an adult I’m less likely to take risks if there is a chance I could fail. That’s now how you become a successful adult. It’s ok to make mistakes and ok to learn from though mistakes.

  • mearcatt

    good lord this is so true. married to one whose mother would still do everything for him if we let her, this is TRUTH! teach kids as soon as they are capable of doing something and they will be capable adults later on. i don’t see how anyone could be offended by this concept, unless you are one of those parents… which in that case, i feel sorry for your child’s future spouse…

  • Irene

    I find it funny that many people find it so hard to teach children responsibility. My 3 year old puts her own laundry away, dresses herself, brushes her teeth, puts her toys away, puts her dishes in the sink or dishwasher when she’s finished, and helps feed all of our outside pets. Why are there so many parents who don’t teach their children responsibility? I once read somewhere, “Start, as you mean to end.” Meaning start now so that the end product is how you want it to be. So in other words, parent with intention. Because otherwise isn’t it called neglect when you don’t teach your children some basic life skills?

  • Jen

    How do you go about the discussion with grandparents that baby children too much? My husband and I hold our 7 year old daughter accountable and make her do the things she is capable of, but my mom (who lives a mile away and is a huge part of our lives) has an issue with doing EVERYTHING for her. I constantly see her picking up after her, even sometimes buckling her seat belt, and bringing things to my daughter that I’ve asked her to go get. It’s frustrating to me, because I’ve always felt like my mom needs to stop babying my daughter, because that’s not how we’re trying to raise her. I’ve had conversations about it with my mom, and she says it’s part of the grandparent role that she wants, and that she should have the right to baby her if she wants. I have a feeling this has something to do with a bit of empty nest syndrome my mom is going through pretty recently. But how do you go about seriously approaching the subject and basically tell someone in a nice way that you don’t want them to ruin the progress you’ve made with your child by re-instituting the entitled attitude we’ve worked so hard to erase? I love my mom dearly and don’t ever want to see her hurt or upset, and I know she loves my daughter more than anything. I just need her to see that what makes her feel good as a grandparent isn’t what is best for her granddaughter in the long run.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=500958078 Jim Jackson

      The first thing I wonder about here is how your duaghter interprets this. It’s entirely possible she can separate what happens at grammas from the rest of life. If there is no evidence that the “spoiling’ gramma is doing has effects in other places, there may be no need to address this. But if there is – then talking with gramma about what those effects are may help her see that her doting is hurtful. If this is the case you can address it with love and honesty.

      It may help to ask questions rather than give answers. “Mom, I love how you stay connected with our daughter. I know you love to kind of spoil her. But we’re seeing that it’s hurtful to her and that she’s resisting being responsible for things (be specific about how). So I’m wondering if you’re willing to work with me to help her learn more responsibility?” Or, “Mom, what are your ideas for how to our daughter responsibility? I’m really working on that it it would feel great to me to know that we’re on the same page.” If she resists your desires then simply say it. “Mom, you know I love how much you love her. I know you want to be a loving gramma and take care of her. But it goes against the goals I’m trying to reach with her to grow in independence. I’d really like us to get on the same page about that. If we can’t then I may need to find other places for her to go sometimes. It’s not about you mom – it’s about responsibility in our daughter and we know you can teach it if you decide to.

      In the end we believe honesty and boundaries are the best policy.

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  • Ashley

    Thank you for posting this. I was starting to feel like I expect to much out of my 9 and 7 year old. They vacuum put dishes away fold and put away laundry clean their bathroom and bedrooms sweep clear the table pick up dog pop yard work and lots more. But all of my friends kids or their friends don’t have their kids doing chores at all. I’m glad to see that I’m not the only person that thinks Children shouldn’t just be able to lay around and do nothing. We teach out kids how to be good adults they have to learn sooner or later. And when then complain about chores we just tell them how else are you going to learn how to keep your house clean when your an adult.

  • Sheila

    Excellent article and ideas!!!

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