
Are You a Charlie Brown Grown-Up?
Weโve all been there. A child sasses, lies, whacks a sibling or shirks a responsibility, and we feel compelled to tell them what they did wrong and why itโs wrong. Itโs good to tell kids whatโs right and whatโs wrong, but at times like this the message just wonโt sink in. Kids call these โlectures.โ Parents tend to believe that their lectures help their kids learn. Unfortunately, most kids report that they hear very little of whatโs said in these lectures.
Remember how grown-ups talked in the old Charlie Brown cartoons? They didnโt need voices to represent what the adults said. They needed trumpets. Muted trumpets.
โWah, wah, waaaah, wah!โ The point was that anytime adults talked, it made no sense to kids.
When parents speak to their upset kids in the middle of the charged emotions of most discipline situations, they sound little different than those muted trumpets. When kids are upset, they simply canโt process adult logic. The lecturing may seem perfectly sensible to us, but unless parents effectively engage their kids, the kidsโ brains just hear noise. To effectively teach right from wrong at times like these requires that the kidsโ brains are engaged.
Here are two responses to catching one child mistreating another. The first is the lecture and demand way. (โWah, wah wah, waaah!โ) The second is an โask questions that engage a childโs brainโ way. Consider how each feels to a child:
Scene 1
โItโs not OK to hit your brother! This is the third time today – I donโt know why you keep picking on him!! You need to learn to be respectful or youโre gonna spend the evening in your room. Now say youโre sorry and donโt do it again. If this keeps up youโre going to lose your screen time for the week!โ
The tricky part of this approach is that it may motivate a child not to repeat the behavior, not because the child wants to do the right thing, but because they donโt want more lectures, or they fear losing privileges. So it can feel to parents like itโs โworkingโ when in fact itโs likely teaching kids to get craftier about misbehaving in ways they wonโt get caught.
Scene 2
โWow, youโre having a tough time here. Is it going the way youโd like?โ
This question alone may lead to some calming, and readiness to go further. If not, offer a break and wait. Then, ask more questions. โWhat do you wish your brother had done differently? What do you wish you had done differently? What would you like to do to wisely solve this problem?โ
The second approach, with its insightful, non-judgmental questions, communicates a powerful message: โYou can understand and sort out your own problems.โ The approach leads kids to feel supported by their parents and open to input. Kids who are guided this way instead of lectured tend to develop wisdom and maturity well ahead of their peers.
So next time youโre tempted to unpack your โlecture trumpetโ, remember –
Questions tend to engage kidsโ brains.
Lectures tend to shut kidsโ brains down.
Questions tend to build wisdom.
Lectures tend to build resentment.
What is your best hope for your engagement with your kids when they struggle?
Apply It Now:
- Take a breath, and think through – What kind of messages do I want to communicate to my struggling child?
- Consider – What questions could help them make a non-defensive, thoughtful assessment of the situation?
- Ask a question that elicits a wise response. i.e. How would you want to solve this, in a way that you will feel good about it when you think back on it?
Want more practical tips? ย See below.
When Your Child Misbehaves – Four Strategies for Lasting Change
Frustrated by constant discipline challenges? Take 15 minutes to read our free ebook 4 Messages All Children Long to Hear: A Discipline That Connects Overview.