Be the Parent; But Can You Also Be Their Friend?

“Kids don’t need us to be their friends, they need us to be their parents!” The dad huffed, frustrated that I had suggested his teen daughter might be seeing her mom and dad more as enemies than allies.

Another variant of this “be the parent” talk is when a parent demands obedience without explanation. It might sound something like this, “My kids need to learn that I don’t have to explain everything. Sometimes they just need to know that it’s time to obey without explanation, because I’m the parent!”

So, what are we to be for our kids? A parent? Or a friend?

What people mean when they say “be the parent”

True, you are the parent, but what does that even mean?

If a child’s behavior is frustrating you at the moment you might answer this question in a powerful, autocratic sort of way. That’s a parenting posture I relate to and reminds me of an interaction I once had with my teenage son. He wanted to do something I didn’t want him to do. It wasn’t a bad thing, just not something I wanted to support. So when he asked, “Dad, can I do it?” I quickly said, “No!”

Of course he wanted to know why.

And he was persistent in wanting to understand. His challenge fueled my energy to “be the parent.” Me? I was not about to back down. “Son, you can spend as much time and energy as you want trying to get me to change my mind, but this is one of those times when, because I’m the dad, my no means no!” He got quiet.

Confession: “Being the parent” was serving my laziness

Satisfied I’d gotten through to him, I transitioned toward my next activity. My son then sighed, drawing my attention. “Fine!” he proclaimed, “You win.” He paused. I was speechless, not knowing how to respond. He was right. I had won, but upon reflection I didn’t feel very good about “winning”. He then continued in a very calm and reasonable tone. “But if you want me to respect you the way I want to respect you, you’ll help me understand your reasons better.”

I could have heard this statement as a further challenge. I could have held my position that he needed to learn to accept my “No,” without explanation. I firmly believe there are times when that answer is justified. But as I pondered what was unfolding, I sensed that this was not one of those times. There was no imminent danger or urgency. There was no defiance on his part, just a strong desire to understand. When pressed, I had to admit I hadn’t really thought about it. I just didn’t want to work that hard. Not a very good basis for “being the parent.”

7 points to remember when you hear, “Be the parent, not the friend”

1. It’s not “Parent OR Friend,” it’s “Parent AND Friend”

Parent or friend? At Connected Families we believe they need you to be both. Why not parent and friend?

Kids need parents who are both friends AND who hold kids accountable.

Many parents adhere to a philosophy that implores them to “demand respect and require obedience” from their children at all times. That’s what it means to “Be the parent.”

The longer I read the Bible and work with families, the less helpful I believe this “immediate obedience and respect” philosophy to be. It tends to lead parents to be dominant in their enforcement of rules at the expense of their relationship with their kids.

Exercise parental authority and demonstrate loving friendship

On the other hand, kids won’t benefit if parents don’t keep them accountable. Parents who need their kids’ friendship, out of some type of insecurity, tend to relinquish their God-given position of authority with their kids.

The key to being the kind of parent your child needs is to set goals about the sort of parent you want to be: a parent who is able to be both friendly and parental at the same time.

2. Fact: You’re an imperfect parent

We are all imperfect parents. Here’s a tough question: Are you willing to admit that your need to “be the parent” may be more about your own agenda than about what is best for your kids? Are you willing to ask, “What’s going on in me?” when things get dicey?

“No means no because I’m the parent” might be translated to “No means no because I need to feel respected or in control.”

Or maybe, “I don’t want to take the time or energy to think about this, and if I did it would probably reveal that I’m more concerned about my own needs than I am in guiding you into wisdom.”

Humble, rational thinking about what’s going on in our hearts gives us an opportunity to “take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5). When parents model this kind of obedience and talk it through with their kids, the kids will likely learn to do the same.

3. “Being the parent” may lose your child’s respect

In the story above with my son, I realized that my son was raising a valid point, and that without a reasonable explanation, I might actually lose his respect. After all, respect is not a given just because I’m the parent. So I decided to earn some respect. I felt that I owed not only my son, but myself, a better explanation.

When I sorted it out for myself and let him into my thinking, he understood. My answer didn’t change, but in the end I had gained far more respect than if I’d just stood my ground in the name of “being the parent.”

4. Scripture doesn’t teach obedience without any explanation.

The scriptures’ primary model for us is that behind God’s commands are reasons rooted in the person of God, who is perfect. That’s why we trust and obey God. Not just because we’re told to, but also because we’re often told why. If a perfect God gives reasons for what is required, then it seems pretty reasonable that imperfect parents would follow that example.

5. Parental friendship provides a buffer in adolescence.

When parents find ways to stay friends with their kids through the turbulent adolescent years, those children tend to grow up more confident, responsible, and ready to face the world.

If a parent demands that their child be respectful as the primary goal, it can create a power struggle. Each time this happens, the child may lose a bit of respect for the parent.

Instead, when a parent can stay firm but kind, ask curious questions, and be a respectful and kind listener, it can become a fantastic opportunity to teach respectfulness. The child will actually gain respect for the parent.

If the primary goal is to help your child learn respectfulness, you will model it even during tense situations.

6. The road to respect and obedience is paved in trust and friendship.

God is trustworthy and has proven it over and over again. We obey God because we trust God. Similarly, the way to become trustworthy in another person’s eyes is not by requiring blind obedience, but by teaching the wisdom behind the requirement. As kids trust their parents, they grow to choose behavior not for fear of consequences or hope for reward, but because of trust and conviction about what is right and wrong.

7. Disrespect is an opportunity

When disrespect happens it is an opportunity to set your child up to succeed later in life by trying again in a more respectful way. If defiance continues, you might simply say, “You’re having a hard time right now. Do you want to continue this way and have me issue some consequences to help you learn? Or do you want to take a break and try again more respectfully?”

Your child gets to choose. This puts the ball of responsibility in your child’s court while still enforcing that it’s not okay to talk this way.

(Notice how I do not recommend using the actual phrase, “It’s not okay to talk this way!”)

When you address disrespect in a more friendly way, you are essentially modeling for your children how to be respectful. And they will notice.

As parents, you have the incredible privilege of being both the steady anchor and the trusted companion your children need. When you lead with love, hold boundaries with grace, and model the respect you hope to see, you’re nurturing future adults who understand that true authority flows from trust, and lasting respect is built on relationship. The impact of this will extend for generations to come.

Your Monthly Support Changes the Trajectory of Families Worldwide

Join The Table, our monthly donor community, and become part of a dedicated group committed to spreading the same hope and healing you’ve experienced to countless families worldwide.

Predictable support helps us plan effectively and reach more struggling families with life-giving resources.

LEARN MORE