Obedience: A Jesus-Centered View

We are excited to bring you an excerpt from a book that we feel will impact your family for generations to come. Dr. David and Amanda Erickson are co-authors of The Flourishing Family: A Jesus-Centered Guide to Parenting with Peace and Purpose and co-creators of Flourishing Homes & Families. They are also Connected Families Certified Parent Coaches and dear friends of Connected Families Co-Founders Jim and Lynne Jackson. Enjoy!

Obey. It’s the four-letter word of childhood.

Our children arrive in this world completely dependent on us to meet their needs. As babies, that exclusive focus on their own needs is critical to their survival. They have to sleep, they have to eat, they have to poop—and they need us to help with all of it. As they grow and become walking, talking toddlers, that self-centeredness doesn’t magically disappear, but it looks a lot less like absolute dependence and a lot more like exerting their opinions—at all times. They’ve suddenly realized that there’s a difference between “me” and “you.”

This is when teaching obedience typically becomes a focal point of child-rearing. It is also at this point, just when our young disciples are first recognizing and experimenting with their own free will, that parents are tempted to throw in the towel and give up on implementing this peacemaking parenting perspective in their homes. Of course they are! It can be exhausting—and feel anything but peaceful—to raise a desperately independent child. (Ask us how we know.).

Not only that, but helping our children learn to obey is a valid desire—leading to harmonious family life now and the ability to listen to, collaborate with, and honor others later on. The toddler who just made mud pies has to take a bath before nap time, whether he wants to or not. The preschooler needs to find something better to do than annoying and frustrating his sister until she finally hits him. The grade-schooler needs to read short books each week to build the reading skills she’ll need to demonstrate months from now. As parents, our goals for obedience are often really good, with future benefits in mind!

When we commit to parenting with peace and purpose, we do not surrender ourselves (and our sanity!) to disobedience and accept that our children will rule our homes with their strong wills and ideas and never listen to our own. Obedience matters—it matters to your family, and it matters to God.

Does delayed obedience = disobedience?

But for many, obedience comes with an implied adjective: “immediate.” We want our kids to get dressed right now. We want them to clean up their toys right now. We want them to behave in public right now.

Of course, when it comes to life-or-death safety, immediate compliance is vital. But outside of that, does obedience require immediate action? You might have heard it said—or even preached—that delayed obedience is disobedience.

What Jesus says about delayed obedience

There’s just one big problem with that view—Jesus’ own words tell us the opposite.

In Matthew 21:28-32, Jesus tells a parable about a father and his two sons. The father goes to each of them and asks them to go work in the vineyard. One son initially refuses to go but later changes his mind, ultimately deciding to follow his father’s request. The other son immediately says he will go work but doesn’t follow through.

After telling this parable to the leaders of Israel, Jesus asks, “Which of the two did his father’s will?” (Matthew 21:31). Did both sons disobey their father?

It may seem so at first. After all, neither son immediately and willingly jumps to the task. But the crowd answers—and Jesus agrees—that there is an obedient son: the one who initially disobeys but eventually does what his father asked. It’s not about who initially disobeys or who says they will obey, but who ultimately does the will of God. It’s not about being perfect or simply saying we follow God. Instead, what matters is whether we are willing to change our minds (in other words, to repent) and follow Him.

For Jesus, delayed obedience is still counted—and honored—as obedience. This is good news—for everyone! If God never recognized our delayed obedience as obedience, we would be in a really bad way. It’s impossible to instantly obey every single command found in the Bible or every leading of the Holy Spirit. The whole gospel rests on God’s patient grace. Jesus never requires perfection from His people. He only asks that we follow Him.

Jesus also makes abundantly clear in the parable of the unforgiving servant (Matthew 18:21-35) that He expects those who have been forgiven much to forgive the sins of others. Shall we receive God’s mercy and grace for our disobedience to Him while not offering the same to our children? He gives us, as parents, the opportunity to teach our children about God’s grace by extending that same grace to them.

Parenting as peacemakers

When we adopt the “delayed obedience is disobedience” view, we lay a heavier burden on our children than God designed them—or anyone—to bear. And we want to be clear: We know that most parents aren’t issuing capricious commands and harshly punishing children for the slightest hesitation. Most parents give commands and expectations that are rooted in their love and care for their children. But if we are to parent as peacemakers in our homes, we will shift our perspective toward a more gracious understanding of obedience, one that focuses on our children’s hearts before their behavior.

The real goal of Christian parenting is not simply children who obey but children who want to obey, even if it takes them a little time to choose the path of obedience.

Adapted from The Flourishing Family: A Jesus-Centered Guide to Parenting with Peace and Purpose by Dr. David and Amanda Erickson, released in September 2024.