Stressed Family? How to Build a More Grace-Filled and Peaceful Home
Multiple kids crying. Dog barking at who knows what. The food burns on the stove while you try to change the baby’s diaper. Maybe you lose it. Maybe you and your spouse start to argue about the mess in the living room. However it looks in your home, perhaps you can relate to feeling like nobody could possibly have as stressed of a family as you. I remember hearing Lynne Jackson (co-founder of Connected Families with her husband Jim) share a story about someone telling her, “Your family is the most stressed family I know.” I thought to myself, “Ours comes in second then!”
It’s hard to be a stressed family! And it’s not always someone’s fault. Maybe there’s a disability in your family that just makes everything 1000x harder. Maybe someone lost their job, and finances are really, really stressing the family. Perhaps you grew up in a stressed family and never learned how to receive God’s grace and pass it on.
If you are in a stressed family right now, take a deep breath and realize you’re not alone. For us, God used Connected Families and the four messages of the Framework to bring our family to a very different place. And you know what? It’s not just us as the parents that say it. Our kids wrote a book about it! (See more on that below.)
Our starting point: a stressed family of creatives
When we meet together on Sunday nights for our “Fantastic Family Fun Night” (our weekly family meeting), we remind ourselves of our family team vision: “We use our creativity to bless others and point them toward the One True Creator.” We have a household of creative and lively people, but we did not start our parenting journey seeing the good gift of creativity behind some of the intense misbehavior.
Thankfully, God did not leave us there but graciously introduced us to Jim and Lynne and Connected Families. We heard them describe (on a podcast) their early parenting years, and it sounded very familiar. As I mentioned, when Lynne said someone described her family as “the most stressed family I know,” I immediately related.
The approach to misbehavior and discipline Jim and Lynne described through the Connected Families Framework drastically differed from the punitive, harsh, and controlling atmosphere we had created in our home. We had good intentions as Christ-loving parents, but the way we were attempting to raise our children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord turned out to be formulaic and missing the hearts that we so longed to reach.
Can you relate?
Let the messages of the Framework transform you first
If you’re unfamiliar with the Connected Families Framework, it’s based on four messages that we want our parenting and discipline to “speak” to our kids at all times. At the foundation, we demonstrate, “You are SAFE with me.” One level up, through connection, especially in the middle of misbehavior, we show our kids, “You are LOVED no matter what.” Then, through coaching, we teach our kids, “You are CALLED and CAPABLE.” And, finally, by teaching our kids to make things right, we show them, “You are RESPONSIBLE for your actions.”
However, our family’s transformation didn’t begin with us showing these messages to our kids. It began with God demonstrating these messages to us. It wasn’t until God reached OUR hearts with the messages of “You are safe with me, you are loved no matter what, you are called and capable, and you are responsible for your actions” that real transformation began. We started to understand what Christ meant when He called His followers to “abide” in Him, bearing fruit as an overflow of a relationship connected to and receiving life from the Source (John 15).
Get this: Your good works as parents don’t produce the fruit of Christlikeness in your kids or yourselves. When you are in Him, your sins and failures don’t cut you off from your Source, either. These are the messages of “You are SAFE” and “You are LOVED no matter what” in your relationship with God.
Get wise help to work through family stresses
You can’t go it alone. When your family is stressed, sometimes you don’t have the perspective to see the issues objectively. That’s where parent coaching can really help!
The first time we experienced someone else speak the four messages of the Framework to us was when we signed up for the free parent coaching consultation over the phone with Chad Hayenga. I remember saying, “This all sounds great, but I just don’t know if I’ll be able to make these changes and get it right.”
Chad reassured us that the same messages we longed to send to our kids would be communicated to us during our parent coaching: we are safe to make mistakes and they don’t change our value in Christ; we are loved no matter what; we are called by God for his purposes and capable of using our gifts to bless others; and we are responsible for our actions.
If you’ve never had someone communicate these messages to you, particularly in relation to your parenting (and, let’s face it, parenting failures), consider signing up for parent coaching.
New goals as parents changed the entire feel of our family
The resulting shift in our foundational beliefs changed our goals as parents. No longer was our ultimate goal to get immediate obedience (compliance) from our kids. Our vision was expanded to see how we, as parents, could mentor our kids’ beliefs, leading them to grow in wisdom and security in Christ rather than fear and seeking value from their performance. The result? A lot more grace and peace in the house!
Our kids remember how life was before Connected Families and have seen God continue to work in our hearts as parents. Earlier this year, our kids wanted to use their creativity to bless Jim, Lynne, and Chad, who have become more than mentors but also dear friends. They created a book handwritten and illustrated by them as a team titled “How We Changed” (an autobiography of our family’s change). As you read these excerpts from the book, we hope that their creativity can now bless you and point you toward the One True Creator (who made you and loves you).
Our kids’ take on our family’s transformation
The following are excerpts from a story our kids wrote to tell what it was like to be a child in a family transformed by the Connected Families Framework.
One day, everyone was on the trampoline. Suddenly, Abbie pushed Ella. They started yelling. “COME WITH ME,” said Daddy. Abbie glared. “NO,” she said, stamping her foot. So Daddy picked her up and brought her to her room. Abbie yelled and screamed. Daddy threatened to throw her favorite stuffed animal away if she didn’t stop screaming…
…More and more distrust in the family was going on. No one trusted anyone. Even Momma and Daddy were at a loss. They tried MORE punishments and MORE scolding…The cry in the family was: “We need help! God, help us!”…
…Our new baby was born, and things got better for a while. Then, once again, the cry in the family was, “We still need help!” Everyone in the family still had that nagging feeling deep inside. So Momma and Daddy kept looking. God hadn’t forgotten them.
One day, Momma heard a podcast with Mr. and Mrs. Jackson in it. She had hope. In fact, Daddy had listened to it also. “We have hope!” they said. The next day, a man named Mr. Chad gave them a call. Mr. Chad helped them want to get coached. Momma practiced “Slow, Low, Listen.” Daddy exchanged lies for truth, and they all did lots and lots of do-overs, and the kids worked on the “Peace Process.” Our family’s team was growing stronger. It was soon so strong, and everybody trusted everyone else.
If you’re feeling like a stressed family
Feeling like a stressed family is more common than you might think. In times of stress, it’s natural to tighten our grip and try to regain control. Yet, when everyone in the family does this, it often leads to more conflict and increased tension. I get it. Our family was there too. The good news is you don’t have to remain caught in this cycle.
Imagine a new path, one filled with understanding and connection. By downloading this free ebook, “Four Messages Every Child Longs to Hear,” you can take the first step towards a more harmonious family life. As you embark on this journey, consider the transformative impact of investing in your family through Connected Families’ parent coaching or online courses. Resources like these were pivotal in equipping us to better nurture a peaceful and loving home.
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13
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