Article Summary: When your child is exhausted and cranky after school and then explodes with anger and overwhelm, it’s not a sign of poor parenting or a ‘problem child’ – instead, it’s often a predictable response to the sensory overload, limited movement, and constant pressure they face during the school day. This article contains a research-informed, biblically-grounded approach. It equips parents to see these challenging moments as opportunities while teaching children how God designed their bodies to self-regulate and thrive.

The bus pulls up, and you brace yourself. She comes flying off the bus, backpack bouncing and arms flailing. You can already tell there is going to be an issue as soon as she walks in the door. Sure enough, she barges in the door, yelling and eyes flashing, ready to lash out.

Or perhaps your sweet child turns into the Hulk when doing afternoon math at the kitchen table and throws their workbook on the floor in frustration.

You might try to quickly manage the behavior by telling her, “Calm down, or I’m going to have to put you in a time-out until you can pull it together!” She escalates more, and you send her to her room. It can be a predictable dance; you know each others’ steps and cues.

But this is a dance you don’t want to be part of through another school year.

Maybe it’s not just the kids who are overwhelmed and dysregulated? Sometimes adults struggle to handle what their day has thrown at them, too – we can’t ALL be exhausted and cranky at the same time, can we? Think about your most stressful workday. Now imagine you’re 8 years old, navigating that same intensity for 6-8 hours straight. Your child’s after-school exhaustion might not be defiance – instead, it might be their nervous system hitting reset.

So how can you turn these rough moments into wins for everyone?

Why your child is exhausted and cranky after school

When kids are in school all day, they receive a constant barrage of distracting or annoying sensory input all around them (the loud cafeteria, echoing in the gym, pencils scratching, fans whirring, and let’s not forget computers). This environment is very stressful for many kids, even those who don’t struggle with processing sensory input. For kids who do have sensory processing challenges, this can be truly aversive and distressing.
Add to that, limited movement because kids need to sit still most of the day and are under constant pressure to focus. “Motion changes emotion,” because movement is the body’s most reliable arousal regulator/stress off-loader. But for hours at a time, usually during activities with higher cognitive challenge, the coping strategy of movement is mostly unavailable to kids.
They may feel performance anxiety if things come more easily for other children.
They may also receive rejection by unkind peers or teachers at school.

This combination is overwhelming, and kids often arrive home feeling downright exhausted and cranky. Their stress can pour out in anger at parents and siblings, demanding behavior, or being overly silly and physical.

So, if your child frequently returns from school acting like a mini-Godzilla waiting to trash something or someone, it doesn’t mean you have a “problem child,” or you are deficient as a parent! There’s a good reason for this seemingly inappropriate behavior. Your child has been working hard all day to hold it together, and they may be tapped out.

Research indicates that self-control is a limited resource, and your child has probably drained their self-control tank down to the last fumes.

“For years, ‘ego depletion’ has been a dominant theory in the study of self-control. This is the intuitive idea that self-control or willpower is a limited resource, such that the more you use up in one situation [like school, for example], the less you have left over to deploy in another.” [like home] 😉

When parents address challenging after-school behavior by trying to manage or “fix the problem child,” they usually add stress and shame to a child who is already struggling. Stressed children don’t need another adult voice telling them they don’t measure up. Instead, focus on trying to reverse the stressful experiences your child has had all day at school.

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In the moment, offer kids calming activities

Here are some ideas to keep in mind as you work to reverse your child’s stress when she arrives home from school: (and to our homeschooling friends: you don’t need to wait until the end of the day! You have the beautiful flexibility to incorporate these ideas throughout the day.)

Affection – When your child walks in the door, greet her with warm acceptance and no demands or expectations. Remember, she is coming home loaded with needs. Focus on how to meet those needs. “I love that you are home right now! How can I help you? Your favorite snack is on the counter when you’re ready.” Your affectionate facial expression and tone can be powerful. If your child likes hugs, this is an excellent time for one of those!
Snack – Being “hangry” can be one root cause of challenging after-school behaviors because kids often arrive home with low blood sugar and need a healthy snack as soon as possible. Beware: they may want to “regulate” and recharge with a sugary snack, which will be counterproductive. Once they have had a healthy snack and drink, you will probably notice they become significantly calmer.
Sensory activity – Every child is different, even within the same family! Some children need a peaceful, quiet activity to rebalance their nervous system. (But be aware: oftentimes screens can be even more dysregulating.) Others might love a firm massage or “squish.” Most children will enjoy lots of big-muscle activities to help them feel more regulated. Generally speaking, rhythmic, predictable, and moderately intense things are most helpful. One mom found that their evening went so much better if she took her kids straight from school to the playground for even 15 minutes. Check out our Sensory Activities List and discover what works best for each of your kids!

How can you tell if what you’re doing is beneficial for your child? If an activity is helpful, you will generally notice your child is more focused, happier, and able to follow directions better afterward. If your child has glazed eyes, appears to be on another planet, or is wild and giddy, you’ll know an activity was disorganizing to her nervous system.

What you do in the first five minutes after your child gets home from school and before your activities can set the tone for the whole evening.

When things are calmer, help kids learn about their bodies

Our bodies were made to need not only a nutritious food diet but also a healthy sensory diet. This means we take in many “nutritious” sensory experiences in regular doses. These are enjoyable activities that can help us either calm down (like a massage or playing with Play-Doh) or energize and focus (like bike riding or pumping a swing).

In the same way we avoid unhealthy foods, we can reduce aversive or over-stimulating experiences (like shopping at peak times or having music and TV blaring together). As we begin to look at ourselves and what our own body needs, it is important that we teach our children what their bodies need as well.

As you lead kids in sensory activities, you can say something like:

“This is so great! God specially created our bodies to help our brains and hearts. Our bodies need different sensations like big-muscle fun, hugs, music, and 3 interesting things to focus on and touch. It’s just like how our bodies need different kinds of healthy food. When we feel stressed, we can do what God has provided for us to feel better.”

Talking with kids about their bodies and yours shows, “I’m in this with you.” It also weaves together the miraculous way God empowered humans to self-regulate. After talking about it, model it! Take a walk when you’re stressed, come back in, and say, “That was just what my body and soul needed! I feel so much better.” As you continue to model this, your kids probably won’t feel controlled or judged when you ask them after school, “What would feel good to your body right now so you can feel better after a long day?”

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:13-14

What about after-school activities?

You know it well. Mondays are soccer, Tuesdays are for swimming, Wednesdays are for music lessons and church, and the list goes on. How do you incorporate calming activities and a sensory diet while rushing from one activity to the next? It can be done with just a little bit of forethought and planning. What you do in the first five minutes after your child gets home from school and before your activities can set the tone for the whole evening.

Greet them with calm and safe words. This relaxed start is essential. If you are stressed and rushing, it downloads your anxiety into your kids, “C’mon, c’mon, we gotta hustle!” No wonder kids resist, are cranky, or even explode – your anxiety combined with their exhaustion and stress is combustible.
Have a healthy snack ready for kids to eat in the car. If your child is looking forward to a snack, it will make the transition out to the car easier.
If you are going to an activity right when kids get home, they can have big muscle fun getting to the car. (Jump like a kangaroo, hop on one foot, race around the perimeter of the house on the way to the car.)
If you are going to an older sibling’s activity, you can work in a trip to a nearby park for 15 minutes while the sibling is at practice or the game. Something to consider: It can be hard to be the sibling who feels like they are getting dragged everywhere! We know how much you love supporting your child’s passions – but what if your family could discover even deeper connection and joy when extra-curricular activities enhance your family life rather than overwhelm it?

Every person in your family has a unique body, unique nervous system wiring, and unique needs. Be intentional about learning what your child needs for a “sensory diet” when they come home from school, and you will likely find the rest of your day goes a lot more smoothly!

And while “a lot more smoothly” sounds terrific, remember….it’s not about you! The point is to communicate these important messages to your child:

I want to meet your needs because you are SAFE and LOVED in this home.
You are CAPABLE and RESPONSIBLE for learning what your body needs in order to facilitate connected, respect-filled relationships with the people you love.

If all of this sounds like a lot, consider checking out our short, FREE, online course 7 Practical Calming Strategies for Kids. You’ll receive even more practical ideas and be better equipped to navigate your child’s nervous system.