The “Stubborn” Child: A Simple Mindset Shift Might Transform Your Relationship
You know that child that digs in their heels and absolutely refuses to comply? If you’ve got a “stubborn” child that you just don’t know how to help, it can feel very isolating and discouraging. All the methods and things that “work” for others probably don’t help your persistent and persevering child.
Danika and her husband found Connected Families in a season of desperation. Maybe you can relate?
Their first child is a sweet, eager-to-please kiddo, and it became easy to think that they had this parenting thing figured out. Their second is another story. She is delightful and at times shifts into “fight-or-flight mode,” becoming feisty and oppositional. This threw her parents for a loop.
“Oh my goodness, the level of stubbornness and downright nastiness was just stunning at times. We thought, ‘What’s even happening here?’” shared Danika.
Maybe you can relate to Danika because you have a strong-willed, “stubborn” child of your own. Navigating tantrums and disobedience can be exhausting. Especially when your best efforts don’t seem to be helping.
Typical parenting can make things worse with a persistent and persevering “stubborn” child
Danika told us, “When she acted horribly, I used to say, ‘Keep it to yourself, do it in your room, and don’t come out until you are done.’ We would just yell at her and list punishment after punishment, and she would go into a dysregulated state—unable to calm herself down. It was heartbreaking. But we didn’t know what to do. Consequences only inflamed a bad situation, bribery led nowhere, and reasoning with her was completely futile.”
They hit a boiling point. “We were searching for tips and resources, yet nothing was helping. We were so burnt out.”
Desperate for help, Danika found Connected Families through Facebook and was surprised by a different approach to parenting. Intrigued, Danika added Jim and Lynne Jackson’s book, Discipline That Connects With Your Child’s Heart, to the armload of parenting books she’d already ordered.
“Consequences only inflamed a bad situation, bribery led nowhere, and reasoning with her was completely futile.” – Danika D.
The mindset shift: God parents you with grace
How does God parent you? By punishing you every time you make a mistake? By putting you in timeout and refusing to comfort you? Not at all! Embracing this shift in mindset can transform the home of the so-called “stubborn” child.
All children crave grace and compassion from their parents, but the persistent and persevering child may react angrily to anything less than that. And that’s the gift of a challenging child: they force you to reevaluate and dig deeper into what you believe.
“I always believed that obedience was the primary goal of parenting, and when I didn’t get that result, I would become harsh, punitive, and angry. I would also withhold warmth and affection, unknowingly, because that’s what I thought I was supposed to do.
My world has been changed by the Jackson’s book. It is so different from everything I knew, and it has opened my eyes so much to God’s grace and love….things I’ve always had trouble understanding,” Danika said.
Danika told us, “The Jackson’s book helped me to realize that my parenting approach didn’t match up with the grace of the Gospel.” Perhaps you, too, have struggled with how you were “supposed” to parent and what you were taught about the Gospel.
For Danika, the damage of this misalignment wasn’t just for her kids; it was hurting her own relationship with God. “My belief that obedience was the ultimate goal had always kept me from fully understanding God’s grace. If God treated me the way I thought I was supposed to treat my children and was withholding affection from me whenever I sinned, then I wouldn’t be able to fully experience His love.
The Connected Families Framework focuses on a foundation of safety and love rooted in Christ’s profound grace for us. That was the puzzle piece that was missing for me,” Danika shared. “Living out the Gospel for my children is what I’m created to do as their parent, and I can do it best by loving them with the grace, kindness, and gentleness of Jesus.”
“If my daughter is not obeying, I can love her and be affectionate.” Danika shared. “But thanks to Connected Families, I now see that it’s good for her, for me, and for her relationship with God that I go into her room and be with her and help her to calm down. There are still consequences, but I can show her love. I’m learning to give grace and calmly say, ‘You are clearly acting out of exhaustion and need some rest.’ I am shifting from a shaky foundation to a solid foundation.”
The impact of grace on the home
Obedience does not come before love anymore.
What’s ultimate now is connection. And everyone in Danika’s house feels so much better! “A few months into applying these principles, our home has been far more peaceful, and my relationship with my daughter has been so much better.”
There is growing understanding and collaboration to solve problems instead of loud and harsh punishments. I’m learning practical, day-to-day strategies to nurture my children’s trust-based obedience and train them in godly living.
For this perspective shift and this teaching of dependence on the grace of Jesus, Danika is forever grateful. She and her husband are changing the trajectory of their family for generations to come!
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