Are You Unintentionally Encouraging Bad Behavior? Here’s How to Switch That
You want to encourage good behavior from your children. But do you ever have a nagging suspicion that you’re actually encouraging bad behavior? Somehow, do all those well-meaning corrections and conversations end up encouraging bad behavior?
Does this sound familiar? Your child once again does something you know they shouldn’t. It was a mess up. Now, it’s your job to go have a “chat” with them and make sure they know it was wrong…right?
Yes, your lectures may actually encourage bad behavior
Maybe you do need to talk with your child, and it’s indeed a good idea for your child to know what went wrong and why. But let’s start with a significant shift: labeling behavior as “good” and “bad” tends to keep you stuck in simplistic black-and-white judgments and can lead to kids getting subtle but powerful “good kid”/“bad kid” messages.
Thinking in nuances of helpful/unhelpful or wise/unwise tends to open up your perspective: “My child is stuck in unhelpful behavior and I can help him learn to make wiser choices.”
Sometimes we don’t give our kids enough credit. They often already know what went wrong. In fact, with a few simple non-shaming questions, they may tell you what went wrong, how they can fix the situation, and maybe even avoid it in the future.
Setting your child up to tell you the problem and a possible solution creates an opportunity to affirm their wisdom! This is highly effective at guiding them toward a wiser choice next time because our focus on their wisdom strengthens those helpful brain pathways.
Focus is fertilizer: what you focus on is what you grow
At Connected Families, the phrase “Focus is Fertilizer” is an important principle in “coaching” our kids toward God’s purposes for them. The energy we give to kids based on their behavior is like fertilizer. Whatever behavior we focus on gets “fertilized” for future growth. It helps kids relive and even visualize what went well.
Similar to the power of guided imagery or visualization in high-level athletes. Rehearsing what’s gone well can prepare them for more success. But if they “unintentionally have recurring images of missed opportunities, injuries, mistakes, and losses,” that also feeds a pattern of more of the same.
Unfortunately, the more you criticize your child’s unhelpful behavior, the more you fertilize it. Research has shown: “Parents may use critical statements to express disapproval with their children’s behavior or attitude. However, using criticism can undermine their self-esteem, lead to greater child defiance and aggression, and increase the likelihood of their developing behavioral problems.” If this happens a lot, kids often begin to act out of a troublemaker identity.
This is not just true for kids! Researchers have found, for example, that on the highest-performing corporate teams, members gave 5.6 compliments for every criticism of their peers. That ratio was upside down on the lowest-performing teams, with 2.8 criticisms per compliment.
Research also shows that there is a similar “magic ratio” of 5:1 positive to negative interactions for happy couples. So that begs the following question for parents:
“What is my ratio of affirming/encouraging comments to critical/corrective comments to my child?”
If your answer is not what you’d like it to be, resist the temptation (yes, it really is temptation!) to get discouraged!
May we suggest an alternative to a negative identity-based belief like: “Ugh, I’m such a negative, critical parent!” How about this instead: “This heavy feeling right now shows that I really want to encourage my child!” And… “That shift might be a key to growth in our family.”
Of course, there will likely be some tough conversations with your kids because, just like us, they will be tripped up by the “sin which so easily entangles.” Hebrews 12:1 However, it helps tremendously to attempt to give more attention to helpful behavior than hurtful behavior.
Let’s explore some practical help. If you’re motivated but a little overwhelmed, we’ll break effective affirmation of your child down into three “bite-sized chunks.”
The ABC’s of Affirmation: How to encourage helpful behavior
If you want to encourage helpful behavior, it helps to be specific about what a child did and why it was helpful. This may feel a little challenging, so we’ve developed a simple format for remembering key elements of effective affirmation:
- What was the helpful Action?
- What was its Benefit?
- What Character did it take to do that good thing?
We call it the “ABC’s of Affirmation” as a guide for parents. We hope this simple acronym helps you throw a little “Miracle Grow” on your children’s helpful behavior. (These concepts don’t need to be in a specific sequence, so mix up the order as appropriate.)
You can do this and grow a culture of encouragement in your family!
To encourage wise behavior: Notice a helpful ACTION
Let’s start by just noticing helpful actions.
This step is just about noticing. With a smile and gentle eye contact (if your child is comfortable with that during affirmation), make specific statements that objectively describe something your child did that was helpful or a positive attitude you observed. Think of yourself as a news reporter looking for what’s positive and making specific, objective observations. There is power in the details: “You cleaned up your markers and came right away to set the table.”
If you just start randomly affirming how great your child is: “Johnny, you’re awesome!” that might not encourage helpful behavior either. It can actually increase anxiety because Johnny doesn’t know why he is so awesome… or what might make him not so awesome!
There’s a world of difference between “Johnny, you’re awesome!” and “Johnny, wow, you saw the garbage that needed to be taken out. Thank you so much! Taking out the garbage will keep the kitchen smelling nice. You are getting to be quite responsible.”
Courtney shared her journey with learning to affirm:
“Amelia has been having a hard time putting her dirty clothes in the hamper rather than on the floor. I would gently remind her when she forgot, but we saw little progress with the clothes making it any closer to the hamper. Instead, I started encouraging her every time she did it, which was very rare at the beginning. We are now one week with no dirty clothes on the floor, no reminders, and a very proud 9-year-old. Focus is fertilizer! I asked her how she began to remember and she said, ‘It started to feel good to have a clean floor and now my favorite clothes are being washed more quickly.’”
(And after 6 months Courtney said laundry is still going well for Amelia. 🙂)
So what do you do if you feel like saying, “The ‘dirty laundry’ of my child’s misbehavior or forgetfulness is soooo common and obvious compared to the successes? How do I get some momentum to notice the helpful things?”
5 starter questions to notice the good:
- What is a smoother part of the day for your family? What do your kids do to make that happen that you might not be noticing? (i.e., “I appreciate how you come to breakfast quickly in the morning!”)
- What part of a situation went well, even if the rest was not so great? (i.e., “Before you wandered off to play, you got a great start on your homework with a good attitude!”)
- What strength (or “gift-gone-awry”) might your child be tapping into to get what they want? (i.e., “I really appreciate your assertiveness, but how you’re speaking isn’t helpful right now.”)
- What didn’t go wrong that might have? (i.e., “When you disagreed about the Legos, everyone kept their hands safe!”)
- What skills does your child have that might be a bridge to other skills? (i.e., a child who’s aware of problems can become a creative problem solver)
Visual reminders:
- Put post-it notes and pens/pencils in key locations around the house. They will cue you to write a quick phrase/picture noting what your child did that is helpful. Pick a time to discuss and celebrate with your child what you wrote on the Post-it notes.
- Post scripture around the house, such as Philippians 4:8 or 1 Thessalonians 5:11: “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.”
- One mom made a pipe cleaner bracelet with beads that she slid from one side of the bracelet to the other each time she affirmed one of her children.
- One couple made a chart on the refrigerator with checkboxes for each time they affirmed or connected with a child.
Noticing anything kind, responsible, or helpful and then verbalizing it out loud can build skills/habits in a child as they replay in their minds what they did, and…
…it can also begin to grow a culture of gratitude in your family as you model noticing what is good and speaking it out! If your kids pick at and criticize each other, modeling joyful affirmation is far more effective than trying to manage the negativity.
FREE RESOURCE
Download and print this ABC’s of Affirmation PDF whenever you need a quick reminder.
Help your child discover the natural BENEFIT
Many parents would say that raising a child with wisdom is a high priority. However, many do not have a strategy for doing so. Here’s a simple approach: When affirming, help your child discover the natural benefit of what they did. This teaches cause-effect.
Let’s continue our example with Johnny:
“Johnny, wow, you saw the garbage that needed to be taken out. Thank you so much! Taking out the garbage will keep the kitchen smelling nice.”
When you point out the natural benefits of an action or attitude, you build wisdom about how life works and motivate wise choices. This can instill lasting values in children as they gain insight into the best way to live. It’s how you work yourself out of the role of constantly prompting helpful actions.
For example, “You cleaned up your markers and came right away to set the table. Now your markers won’t get dried out, and the table is ready for dinner.”
Lila, a mom of a spicy little guy named Ethan, shared a story about an effective affirmation of her son:
“When we had some friends over, Ethan didn’t like the game the others chose. After a few loud exclamations of ‘Nooooo! I’m never gonna play that! UGH!’ he disappeared around the corner of the house to sulk and insisted, ‘Go away!’ when we went to check on him. We let it ride and sure enough, a short time later, our little grump had happily rejoined the crew.
At bedtime that evening, I said:
- ‘That was tough when you wanted to play something different than everyone else. You needed a little break to calm down and you did it! You didn’t hit, you didn’t say mean words even though you were really mad!’ (ACTION)
- ‘Because you took a break when you needed to, you felt better and came back and had fun – everyone had fun!’ (BENEFIT)
- ‘You were patient, and you used self-control. Wow! Every day you’re learning so much!’ (CHARACTER)
This took some thought but was much more powerful than a default ‘Good job!’ My little one practically glowed. We’re building wisdom and values, coming alongside our kids with the message: ‘I see the good in you, even when you’re struggling. You are capable!’”
Note: This could be much simpler: “Ethan, you took a break when you were really mad (Action), and then you came back and had fun! (Benefit) You’re really learning self-control.” (Character)
5 starter questions to discover the benefit:
- How did the action benefit your child or someone else?
- How might the action benefit your child or someone else in the future?
- What would happen if your child practiced this action until it became easier and more natural?
- How did your child feel when they were a blessing to someone else?
- Does the action care for God-given possessions or the environment?
You can also take it a step further and ask your child questions about the benefit of their action. “Hey, I noticed __. How was that helpful?” or “What was good about that?” Your child will internalize wisdom even more if they proclaim it out loud!
“Educational research has found that self-explaining (explaining to oneself or to another person) can be more effective for learning than other activities… When teachers and parents ask children to explain ‘why’ and ‘how’ something works, they are giving the child the opportunity to think like scientists.”
We have a podcast on this topic!
Check out Ep. 212 of the Connected Families Podcast, “The Power of Affirmation: 3 Ways Your Words are Life-Giving” today.
Teach which CHARACTER quality was demonstrated
“Johnny, wow, you saw the garbage that needed to be taken out. Thank you so much! Taking out the garbage will keep the kitchen smelling nice. You are getting to be quite responsible.”
Make a statement about a specific character quality that was needed to accomplish this action: “It takes flexibility and self-control to stop doing something you love when it’s time to be done.”
Click here to see a list of character traits if you feel like you are always using the same ones. 🙂
Keep these affirmations short and sweet. At another time, you can help your child see that growing character is a beautiful “working together” of our wise, faith-filled choices and God’s work in our lives. “…for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.” Philippians 1:13
There are so many ways in which the culture, coaches, teachers, peers, or trauma can lay hurtful identity words on a child—convincing them they are defective or inadequate. Including the helpful character that God is growing in your child can strengthen them to see God’s work in their life and not define themselves by harsh or critical statements from others or any messages they got during traumatic experiences.
This kind of thoughtful affirmation can be words of life for a struggling child, as demonstrated here:
Marianne decided to start a bedtime affirmation journal with Kerrolyn, who joined their family through adoption after an early history of abuse and neglect. Marianne went to Kerrolyn’s room as her daughter was settling in to sleep. While Kerrolyn listened, Marianne began to write down and talk about actions and character she saw growing in her. Kerrolyn started to pinch herself on the arm. When Marianne asked why, she smiled and said, “I just wanted to make sure this wasn’t a dream!”
Encourage your child’s good choices again and again
It usually takes less than 20 seconds to encourage a child’s helpful behavior with a few sentences of effective affirmation.
That said, it does require a heartfelt commitment to encourage your child. Intentionality about this is important because researchers also found that parents tend to “overestimate their use of praise and underestimate their use of criticism.”
Philippians 4:8 has inspired many parents to “fertilize” their child’s helpful behavior with grace and affirmation – “…if there is any excellence, and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things.” If your child is struggling with a particular attitude or behavior, be on the lookout for small instances of even a tiny step forward in that area – “anything worthy of praise.” Then, put some thoughtful detail into how you affirm your child. (Note: This helps with spouses and coworkers, too!)
This simple method can begin to change a family’s tone in a beautiful way. Patti, a mom in parent coaching, began to really focus on doing ABC affirmations with her challenging 10-year-old son, Devin, by sending him a daily ABC affirmation email. One day, her son actually sent her an affirmation email!
In his email, he wrote, “I liked yesterday how you commented on the good things I did rather than the bad things. And you didn’t do anything bad to the dog when he ate Luke’s birthday cake. If I had made a cake and spent my time on it, I would have really yelled at that bad dog.” Then he goes on to mention his dad, “I’ll think of nice things to say to you too, Dad, but I think today Mom needs it more.”
It wasn’t long before Patti also began to notice how much easier it was for Devin to say out loud, “I love you, Mom.”
Are you ready to experience the amazing change a bit more affirmation and encouragement can bring? You have the power to grow a loving culture of encouragement in your family. You’ve got this!
© 2025, 2023, 2012 Connected Families
Ready to dive in and learn more about the Framework?
Our 8-session online course, Discipline That Connects With Your Child’s Heart will guide you through each level of the Framework. If you’re looking for a grace-filled way to parent, this course is for you!
