5 Lies That Keep Parents Stuck—And What to Believe Instead

Five Lies That Keep Parents Stuck (And the Biblical Truths That Set You Free) by Jim and Lynne Jackson

There are all kinds of lies that keep parents stuck — and you might not even realize you believe them.

For instance, do you believe that you are loved more when you behave well? Or that the way your family appears to others is more important than how your family relates to each other?

You may not realize you believe that until you feel you’re not behaving well and notice you feel less loved. Many of us feel like we can “behave” pretty well until we become parents…

Parenting has a way of surfacing beliefs we didn’t even know we carried.

As humans, we sometimes act unpredictably or irrationally. But every action has a purpose, rooted in an underlying, or “core”, belief. Our core beliefs are what guide our behavior.

If you’re a parent who is struggling with shame or confusion about the gap between the parent you want to be and the parent you are day to day, it’s probably time to get curious about your core beliefs.

What are core beliefs, and how do they affect our parenting?

The way core beliefs are formed is complex. Our environment, the media, our peers, and the homes we grew up in are major contributors to the things we believe about ourselves and others. Most of us don’t spend much time thinking about this, but the beliefs are there regardless, and contribute greatly to much of our behavior.

Core beliefs deeply affect our parenting. For example, if conflict was treated as a problem and swept under the rug in the home I grew up in, then I will likely feel very anxious about conflict and will work hard to avoid it or put a quick stop to it in my children. My core belief may be, “People should be nice and not have conflicts.”

The funny thing about core beliefs is that they become almost imperceptible “tapes” that play over and over again in our minds. When we learn to say them out loud, they can sound almost ridiculous. But they hold power over us until we can acknowledge them and replace them with new “tapes” or phrases that grow from truth.

An important key to maturing in life and faith is to examine our core beliefs and consider which are true and helpful, and which are not. Many of our core beliefs were useful at one time—for instance, avoiding conflict as children helped us feel safe in a conflict-avoidant home. As adults, however, we can begin to see that avoiding conflict is no longer a helpful or healthy pattern.

As we explore our core beliefs, we can invite God to keep transforming our beliefs to align with truth. We can learn to live by the new grace-filled truth rather than the old lies.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. — Romans 12:2

5 common lies that keep parents stuck

Below is a list of five common unhelpful and even untrue messages you may have grown up with that many parents experience as their core beliefs:

You’re most loved when you behave well.
- Do you have a hard time forgiving yourself for mistakes?
- Do you feel like God is upset at you for your failings?
The way things look is what matters.
- Do you deal more harshly with your kids for misbehavior in public than in private?
Parents are responsible for their children’s behavior.
- Do you worry your children’s behavior reflects badly on you?
- “If I can’t control my child’s behavior, I must be failing as a parent.“
God’s blessings make life work smoothly.
- Do you question God’s character when life gets hard?
Kids should obey the first time, every time.

You might not even realize you are believing these unhelpful lies. But they might be impacting how you view the world and your place in it.

discouraged mom believing lies, feeling stuck in parenting

5 scriptural truths to replace the lies

The good news is that we don’t have to stay stuck believing these lies or operating from them. We’ve gathered a list of grace-filled truth phrases and corresponding Bible verses to encourage you. We’ve seen these truth phrases help parents replace common unhelpful lies with helpful, true beliefs.

1. Each family member is beloved and treasured by God, despite failings or imperfections.

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,” Romans 8:1

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:37-39

“But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.” Ephesians 2:4-5

“May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else, just as ours does for you.” 1 Thessalonians 3:12

“I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” Ephesians 3:16-19

2. What matters is what’s real, the things rooted in faith and love, not pretense.

“For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.” Galatians 5:6

“Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;
you taught me wisdom in that secret place.” Psalm 51:6

“Then the Lord said to him, “Now then, you Pharisees clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside you are full of greed and wickedness.” Luke 11:39

3. My children are responsible for their own behavior. I am responsible for my behavior.

The fruit of the Spirit is self-control, not control of others!

“For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father’s glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what they have done.” Matthew 16:27

“Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall. And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand.” Romans 14:4

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” Galatians 5:22-23

“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.” Galatians 6:7

4. God is present and working even in our worst situations and will guide and counsel us.

“When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
Yet I am always with you;
You hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.” Psalm 73:21-25

“But now, this is what the Lord says—
he who created you, Jacob,
he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your stead.
Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
nations in exchange for your life.
Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
I will bring your children from the east
and gather you from the west.” Isa i ah 43:1-5

“being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6

“for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.” Philippians 2:13

“I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow. So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow.” 1 Corinthians 3:6-7

5. Learning obedience is a process – for us and our kids!

Quickly obeying God out of love and talking about the blessing of that is our best way to teach our kids to do the same.

“Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” Ephesians 6:4

“Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.” Philippians 4:9 (modeling obedience)

“Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” Colossians 3:20-21

You can print and post this list as a frequent reminder of your value as God’s beloved child.

The transforming of our minds (Romans 2:12) is a vital process. And it is a process—it will not happen overnight! Wise, loving responses to our children will flow more and more naturally from healthy, biblical core beliefs.

mom enjoying her child, believing the truth about herself and her son

When we learn to recognize the lies that keep us stuck and, with the help of the Holy Spirit, practice replacing them with a grace-filled truth, our behaviors will begin to follow. Leaning into these beliefs isn’t another burdensome parenting task. It’s a pathway to freedom, joy, and a deeper connection with your children.

If these lies feel familiar, you’re not alone — and you don’t have to untangle them by yourself. Our Grace and Truth for Moms online course is just what you need. Grab a friend (or 2 or 10!) and register today so you can better learn to embody God’s grace in the midst of family life.