First-Time Obedience: Should I Require Immediate Obedience from My Child?

The rationale for enforcing immediate obedience with quick consequences is often based on Ephesians 6:1: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” It’s a verse we all want our children to heed. However, the verse isn’t aimed at parents, it’s aimed at children. It’s not a parent’s job to convict their kids about the importance of this verse. That’s the Holy Spirit’s job. The parents’ job is explained clearly a few verses later: “Fathers [or parents], do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”

In other words, parents, raise your kids in such a way that when they hear their verse, they will trust and obey. In fact, rather than requiring immediate obedience through quick consequences, Scripture seems to acknowledge that obedience is often a learned process. The ultimate keys for growing in obedience are God’s amazing grace, true repentance, and reverence for God’s desires. 

Picture that scene, and imagine the disciples all watching the expression of tender affection on Jesus’ face as he drew the little child into his arms. This approach takes a lot more thought and intentionality than a quick sharp rebuke or punishment aimed at quickly stopping irritating behavior in the name of obedience.

1. Children may begin believing that being ‘good’ is what matters most—and may miss the deeper why behind right choices. When kids obey a command primarily to avoid punishment, they may begin to feel that all that matters is behavior, not their hearts. Phil Vischer, creator of VeggieTales, has expressed concern that the end result of all his behavior training videos was lots of little moralists who didn’t realize they needed a Savior.

2. Children may struggle to see themselves as creative, capable problem-solvers. A requirement for immediate obedience leaves a child little room for creative problem-solving about how to get something done or do the right thing. One Christian school teacher once told us she could almost always spot the kids raised in homes where strong consequences were given in the name of immediate obedience. She said, “They are well behaved and never question a directive, yet there’s no spark in their eyes and little creativity to take risks or think outside the box. I’d take a classroom full of lively, creative kids any day.”

3. Children may flounder when given more independence as teens or young adults. One therapist said, “Christian counseling offices are full of adults who are the product of controlling, punitive parents.” Kids are especially vulnerable to struggling as adults if their parents thought for them by making everything about commands and obedience. In those families, kids don’t learn who they are, what’s important to them, how to make wise decisions, or how to problem-solve their way through a conflict.

4. Children may carry hurt or frustration toward their parents into adulthood. Immediate obedience thinking can weave through the fabric of the whole relationship. We have heard many adults make statements like, “I’m just not that close to my parents. They still seem to want to tell me what to do.” Or, “My parents still think they know better than me.” This resentment can carry into grandparenting as well. Some grown kids don’t trust their parents with their grandkids.   

5. Children may relate to God the way they’ve related to authority—with distance or fear rather than closeness. A common defense of requiring immediate obedience is, “I make sure my kids obey me quickly, so they will also learn to obey God.” These parents may have great intentions, but it appears that the opposite may be true. A report titled Attachment to God and Parents reveals that “Respondents from overprotective, rigid, or authoritarian homes tended to report both greater God Anxiety and God Avoidance.  …it appears that authoritarian parents produce children with concerns about their personal worth and God’s love…”

One young man who, as a child, was “obedience-trained” in a Christian household told us, “When my parents dropped me off at college, I was drunk before their taillights disappeared on the horizon.” It took years of recovery from alcoholism for him to find his way to deep and abiding faith.

This self-destruction also happened to a friend of ours. While growing up, she submitted to the requirement of immediate obedience. It looked good to her parents and kept her out of trouble. But our friend resented that control and quickly and angrily “came off the rails” when she moved out of the home. 

With no “immediate obedience” controls in her life, she struggled to make wise choices, learning to “obey” her boyfriends, and became a single mom in the process. In tears, she stated, “I have no idea who I am or how to make a wise decision.” Her difficult journey surprised her parents, who said she was the most compliant of all their kids.

We highly recommend gathering the family regularly to discuss a wide range of topics. One of the things you can do is have a meeting where you list and discuss the family rules—this helps ensure they are clear for everyone. You could also try this meeting idea: when the topic is obedience, you could simply ask the question, “What would our family be like if we all disobeyed God’s ways all the time?” and, “How about if we obeyed all the commands all the time?” Keep it light. Have fun with these questions. 

Then shift gears and ask, “What makes it hard to obey sometimes?” Share examples of some ways you struggle to obey and do what you know is right. Then invite your kids to do the same.

Finally, ask the kids about times when you’ve done the best job of addressing their disobedience. Make a list and let them know you want to continue working on addressing misbehavior in grace-filled, helpful ways. This lets kids know:

Over time, as you learn to ask questions like this, your kids will come to value the process and learn to confess and repent from their disobedience. 

Punishment is often announced quickly and without warning, for example: “If you don’t do what I say right now, you’re gonna lose _(a favorite privilege)_” (Insert: screen time, sports practice, time with friends, etc). Kids often don’t really understand the connection between the behavior and the punishment.

When given this space, the child will likely (if somewhat reluctantly) be willing to follow through and/or confess and restore (see “Invite confession and restoration” above).     

We are convinced that this approach imitates our heavenly Father, who uses the right teaching moments to gently help us learn deeper, love-based obedience throughout our lives.

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