Give the Gift of Connection
The Goal Was to Ask More Questions and Tell Less, But…
If you’ve read much of our content before, you might have picked up on the fact that we like questions. In fact, I often encourage the parents I coach to work toward asking more questions while telling their kids less. Unfortunately, we don’t always meet our parenting goals in one smooth trajectory. But here’s the good news: you can still celebrate success as you grow in the art of asking more questions.
One dad’s story:
Ed was trying to be patient and thoughtful and, as a dad, was really trying to ask more questions. But he was at the end of his rope. Instead of his two daughters helping him fix dinner, they were upstairs arguing loudly and disrespectfully. As he listened, he thought to himself, “That’s it, I’ve had enough. That’s the last straw!” Seconds later, the inevitable happened: screams cascaded down the steps and into the kitchen as the older sister innocently appeared for her table-setting duty after having delivered the decisive “verbal one-two punch” at her little sister.
With a loud voice and popping veins, Ed erupted. “Are you happy now? Your sister is crying! Did you get what you wanted?”
As Ed retold the story during our coaching session, he was very sad. He’d been working on asking more constructive questions and empowering his kids to solve their own problems. Technically, he asked a couple of questions, but we immediately recognized the intent was not to discover new information or empower his daughter. “I knew I wanted to ask some questions,” he said sadly, “but I was angry, and those were the only ones that came to mind.”
I said, “That is awesome!” Needless to say, Ed was a little surprised at my response.
Progress is progress, even if they weren’t great questions
While Ed clearly didn’t respond the way he wanted to, I still saw a change in the trajectory of his parenting. Instead of quickly barking orders when the kids fought, he waited. He did the best he knew how and reacted by asking his daughter questions.
The road to becoming the parent you want to be can be quite bumpy as you let go of old habits.
While Ed’s efforts fell short of his goal, he no longer wanted to talk about how to “get his kids” to quit fighting and do chores. He was ready to talk about what had happened and how he could keep making the progress he wanted to make as a parent.
I repeated, “That is awesome!”
As Ed received this encouragement, we were able to discuss the subtle, unspoken, negative messages his efforts conveyed to his daughter:
- “You are making me angry.” (aka, you are in control of my emotions)
- “You are a problem.”
- “You are incapable of relating well to your sister.”
- “I am responsible for you and your sister’s relationship.”
We then discussed more specifically how to ask constructive questions and encourage his kids with positive messages. Here’s the essence of our conversation:
The road to becoming the parent you want to be can be quite bumpy as you let go of old habits.
3 Steps to Ask More Questions
1. Ask yourself, “What’s going on in me?”
- Is my heart for my child? Am I prepared to talk with them? If not, have I asked God for guidance and help?
- What messages do my questions and facial expressions often communicate to my child? Anger, irritability, or frustration can make even good questions seem trapping or incriminating. (For example, consider the different ways you could ask, “What is happening here?” and the different messages your child might receive.)
When parents take time to reflect on these questions, children are often more receptive to talking about what’s going on. The message kids receive is, “You are safe with me.”
80 Curious Connection Questions
Running out of ideas for what you can ask your kids to get the conversation going? Check out “Connected Families Connection Questions” and never again run out of creative questions to ask.
2. Brainstorm and roleplay the questions you wished you’d asked.
Ed continued to practice asking more questions, even though sometimes they still weren’t the most helpful questions. Sound familiar? Give yourself some grace as you take time to think of calm and helpful questions you could have asked and practice them – in front of a mirror or with your kids. (“Hey sweetheart, can I take some time to practice what I wish I had said to you when you came downstairs? I think I need a do-over, so I can learn to do better next time.”)
For example, in the above scenario, saying:
- “Seems like the two of you are having a rough time. Are you two doing okay?” (This causes her to assess the situation for herself.)
- “What happened to get you yelling and her crying?” (This allows her to tell you her side while also considering her sister’s perspective.)
- “What do you think needs to be done to get your relationship to a place where you both feel good about each other again?” (Asking for your kids’ input puts the responsibility for the relationship on them.)
- “What would your sister say is needed?” (Helping her see it from her sister’s perspective is important for reconciliation.)
- “Is there anything you need from me to help resolve this conflict?” (Offering to give suggestions or be a resource is important to help kids think through their options.)
Of course, even if you ask these great questions right from the start, the above situation could go a hundred different directions! Perhaps the sisters will need time apart to consider how they want to repair their damaged relationship. Perhaps the younger sister will need a couple of minutes of comfort and question-asking as well. Perhaps the conflict won’t be resolved until after dinner or even the next day. No matter how the conflict is resolved, the important thing is to focus on communicating encouraging messages to your children in ways that support their conflict resolution.
3. Celebrate the grace-filled messages in asking better questions.
Just like Ed, you need encouragement in the messy process of learning new parenting habits. Look for small improvements and celebrate the impact of your effort at asking wiser questions, whether they are in a do-over or in your initial response in challenging moments.
Using the Connected Families Framework, consider the messages that your kind, curious, and open-ended questions send to your child:
- “You are SAFE with me as I work to calm down and sort out my own issues.”
- “You are LOVED, even when you squabble like this.”
- “You are CAPABLE of caring for others and of learning to sort things out.”
- “You are RESPONSIBLE for your relationships.”
If you want kids to believe these things, start by telling them directly. Then, ask questions that help them act accordingly. As you do, you’ll be helping your kids learn to walk in the wisdom and reconciled relationships that God has for them!
“But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.” James 3:17,18
© 2024, 2013 Connected Families
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